Sunday, August 7, 2011

Shenanagins and the Mysteries of the Female Menstrual Cycle

So...yesterday was a mess.  I slept later than I had planned.  Got up and showered myself and the kiddo.  I have just gotten dressed when there's a knock on the door.  My mother-in-law and her husband have stopped by unexpectedly.  Great.  Allow me to describe the background for this visit:  the kiddo is butt naked except for the binkie she has managed to dig up from somewhere (we are currently trying to phase the binkie out, but she seems to have a secret stash in a strategic place I have thus far been unable to locate).  The house is still a mess.  Open suitcases in the kitchen.  Dirty dishes all over kitchen and table.  Kid toys EVERYWHERE.  Couch cushions are all askew.  Basically not an open foot of floor space in the entire house. 

Needless to say the MIL was a tad concerned for my mental well-being.  I spend time reassuring her that I am doing alright despite appearances.  I explain that I have been busy; I am the maid of honor in a wedding happening in 2 weeks and I have a wedding shower next weekend.  The Man is 650 miles away.  I have a kid, 2 dogs and 3 cats to look after.  Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.  It was pretty embarassing.

But wait, there's more.  Oblivious to my already overwhelming guilt at the fact that I cannot move to be with my guy right now because I have to stay and finish my degree, the MIL's husband (who's marriage to my MIL is his 7th! by the way) starts telling me how he doesn't see why I don't just transfer schools so I can be with Jer.  Biting back the knee-jerk response to say something sarcastic ("Wow, really?  It never occurred to me to do that.  Thank you so much!") I attempt to explain that I have, in fact, been in contact with both the local college in that area and a college 2.5 hours from the area where Jer is working.  And it's a no-go.  I would lose 2 years at a bare minimum, if not more than that.  Between credits that won't transfer because my school is on quarters, not semesters and the fact that different schools have different nursing program prerequisites, I would have to go back and basically start all over.  When I am  FINALLY!  The charmer then proceeds to tell me he doesn't understand why it's so important to graduate in a year anyway.  Seriously?! Um, because I have thousands of dollars in student loans already and I don't care to add more to that?  Because we want more children and soon?  Because I would like to work for a decent wage?  Because it's my dream to be able to work with families like my own who have to live through premature birth and child loss?  Because I need to do this so I feel like everything we went through with our son might have at least one positive consequence?  Because I have been at this for 8 years and have had to stop for two babies, only one of which I got to leave the hospital with?  Will any of these reasons satisfy you sir?  And can I get you something to drink?

All in all, a very productive visit. 

I then spent the remainder of the afternoon frantically filling out wedding shower invites on very short notice.  For the last two weeks the bride has been having an identity crisis.  Said she didn't know if she could "go through with it."  Fighting with her fiance.  I didn't know if there was going to be a wedding, much less a wedding shower so I didn't send out invitations.  Then two days ago she tells me that they don't want to cancel the wedding at the last second after all the work that has gone into it so they are just going to do it. Ahh, love.  What a wonderful reason for two people to start a life together.  But...I'm the maid of honor so at this point I feel like I just have to shut up and support my friend.  So I sent out shower invites with less than a week's notice for the potential attendees.  Disaster.

After the action of the day, housecleaning was once again less than productive and I gave up and went to bed.  This morning while I was cleaning in the kitchen the kiddo found a bottle of glue in the office, slathered her entire body in it, and glided into the kitchen to announce that she had put sunscreen on and was ready to go outside.  I bet not every mother knows that glue actually isn't that easy to scrub off a four year old's skin in the bathtub.  I'm sure my mother-of-the-year medal is on the way.

What else?  Weird bleeding happening today.  Had my period just over a week ago and randomly started bleeding today.  Light spotting.  This never happens to me.  Ever since my birth control rebellion this spring when I started learning about how nasty estrogen is, I've been off the pill.  We've been being very careful, but I'm afraid my overwhelming urge to have a baby might just come back to bite me at a rather inconvenient moment.  When I saw the blood all I could think was:  implantation bleeding.  I took a pregnancy test to reassure myself, but it wouldn't really show up right now if I was pregnant anyway. As a survivor of child loss, I can't ever look at the possibility of a baby again as anything but a blessing, but I know all too well that pregnancy does not equal baby.  The last time I tried to pull off pregnancy and nursing school I had a placental abruption, nearly bled to death, and stared at my 2lb 3oz son through the plexiglass windows of an incubator for 15 days before my entire world imploded.  I'm talking Ground Fricking Zero.  Everything was supposed to be fine:  I was due in July so it appeared to be plenty of time to finish the school year, have the baby, and gear up for the next school year.  But it doesn't work like that when the baby comes in April.  So the idea of trying to reach my goal of actually finishing my degree and juggling another terrifying pregnancy (automatic bedrest at 20 weeks, the constant fear, the huge risk of having another placental abruption and/or another preemie) while my guy is far away and I have a child to care for is quite overwhelming.  Any pregancy after say December or March of next year would be completely within my abilites to handle.  Does anyone know more about implantation bleeding than I do?  I think it's supposed to occur about 7 days after fertilization but I'm not for sure. 

I really need to clean something.

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