Sunday, December 20, 2015

Let's Blame the Holidays, Shall We?

I think the potent swirling vortex of stressors in my life is eating at me lately.  It seems like all the negativity is stacking up around me and I'm having trouble finding my way out.  This is a time of year when we are supposed to be full of Holiday gratitude and cheer, able to bounce from one silly gathering to another.  I mostly just want to sleep.

We are pushing 18 months of TTC.  I have made absolutely zero appointments to attempt to decipher why the timeline is so off this time.  A year ago, Jer was diagnosed with a varicocele.  We had been trying for a few months, but didn't overthink the urologist's casual statements about potential infertility.  Because we've gotten pregnant a few times before this.  So we likely know what is happening here.  But I'm terrified.  And resentful of the plethora of 24-year old nurses at work with un-scarred uteri who robustly debate when the "perfect" time to have a baby is at 3 in the morning when I can't escape.  I mean, "We don't know if we should redecorate our house or backpack through Europe before we become parents."  But I digress.  So we probably know what is happening here.  And it could be reversible.  Or it could be me.  It's not like 3 previous csections is a good warm-up for a fourth pregnancy.  I'm terrified that a doctor will look at us and tell us to stop trying.  I'm jealous of my infertile sister-in-law who has options and a fresh uterus.  Oh, and doesn't work so will probably be a better parent right out of the gate.  I'm angry.  I've always had trouble staying pregnant.  It just feels so unfair that now we have trouble getting pregnant. 

Work certainly isn't helping.  The commute is dragging on me.  I hate the constant juggle of work schedules and childcare.  I feel like I'm always there instead of at home with my kiddos.  I'm tired of night shifts.  And there's been a particularly depressing batch of patients lately.  Suicides.  Murders.  Horrifying terminal diagnoses.  It weighs on you to sit with a patient for hours who doesn't know her husband is dead.  It weighs on you to care for a 34 year old woman and her husband while they wait to find out if she has a brain tumor.  I have a job that weighs on me, and sometimes I can't leave those things behind when I clock out at the end of the shift.  The other day I saw a job listing on the bulletin board at the post office for a post office desk clerk.  Part time, flexible hours, good benefits.  The job paid 4 dollars an hour less than my current wage.  I mean...I deal with very sad and disgusting things for a living.  If I didn't have student loan debt, I'd be tempted to trade jobs.  

We have been house-hunting and I really want to buy.  We are in great financial shape to buy, which is such a victory for us.  But.  We live in a tiny, isolated town that is 100% dependent on a non-renewable resource that is currently under great political debate.  If the jobs go, the entire town dies.  The job my husband has could not be replaced with anything within probably 500 to 1000 miles of the area we live in now.  If it could be replaced at all.  It's intimidating to be trying to buy a house for the first time, when the town may be gone in 5 years.  Or less.  I have barely gotten used to small-town living so I think the odds of us wanting to live in a ghost town are pretty low.  Not to mention the homes in the area would be worth nothing so we couldn't sell if we tried.  So...we wait and see what happens over the next few months.  

My grown-up way of coping with this?  Besides over-eating and worrying, of course.  I booked a trip to Vegas.  Jerry and I have never taken a trip together without the kiddos.  I may need medicated to actually get on the plane, but whatever it takes, right?  Kiddos are staying with grandparents.  And I'm told Vegas has alcohol.  We leave in three weeks.  

I have six days off for Christmas.  After the flurry of ballet recitals, Christmas programs, holiday shopping and (often unnecessary) gatherings, I am really looking forward to cozying up with my little family.  In my natural element, I'm a bit of a grinch who probably wouldn't bother with most of the holiday decorating and baking and wrapping.  But the kiddos...they are so excited.  And at 8, Roo loves the repetition of the holiday traditions we've started.  T-Bug just loves all the Christmas stuff that's going on right now.  I'm so blessed to have them.  I'm so blessed to be happily married.

I hope you all have a lovely Holiday season, where the joys triumph over the struggles.  

Monday, August 24, 2015

Testing, Testing

Is there an Internet record for unintended hiatus time?  I've got to be in the top 10 by now at least.  Life gets so busy and I mostly read blogs from my mobile app, which is annoying to comment from.  I end up never commenting, even when I intend to log on from my computer and comment later.  I never comment, but I promise I read.

We are still here, plugging along, the four of us.  Roo starts 2nd grade in a couple of days and Tanner is 2.  They both rock and I can't get enough of them. 

I suppose I should throw in that we are TTC.  It's not big news, trust me.  We've been TTC for a year.  Cycle 12.  Or, as I tell my friends or friendly coworkers when they ask, "a few months."  I hate talking about it with anyone.  I already feel like an uneducated idiot every time I think about it without some well-meaning person asking me how many csections I've had.   By the time I recount my complicated obstetrical history I can tell the person on the other end is convinced I'm an idiot.  Worse, a greedy idiot.  With two living children.  Recently I was asked, "Would it really be the worst thing if you ended up with just the two kids?"  And yes.  Believe me we've done our best to convince ourselves that two kids is a fine number. And we know how many people never get to have 2 children, and it isn't often that we forget to be grateful for them. But we just don't feel done yet.  We certainly know we are taking a risk.  Thank you, random question-asker.  

Jerry and I got married 6 months ago.  This July was 10 years together for us, and since we got engaged a year in we were definitely overdue.  I think it took me a few years to figure out that there was never going to be a convenient time to have a wedding.  After Matthew died, we had Roo with no time in between for a non-pregnant, emotionally stable wedding.  Then I wanted to finish nursing school, and Tanner came along right after graduation.  My parents also had a gory divorce when Roo was a few months old, and I found myself not believing much in marriage for awhile.    I have called him my husband to others for so long, I never realized how many people didn't know that we weren't married.  So yeah.  We took the kiddos, our families, and a few friends and went to Las Vegas.  I had a fun little wedding weekend topped off with a white dress, and a 20-minute ceremony.  It was a great time (although if I had it to do over again, I would have left at least 50% of my extended family members at home), and we are happy.  And no, we don't feel any different.  We've been married for a very long time.  We just never got around to celebrating it.  

Other than that, I don't know what else to include in this catch-up post.  We live in the same townhouse (currently house shopping).   I have the same job on the Med/Surg floor, and I just quit my weekend ER job a few weeks ago.  I lasted two years there, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how.  It was my first job out of nursing school and it was really terrible.  Then when I added my Med/Surg job in, I just kept going back to my old job one weekend a month.  The extra money was nice, the extra time away from my family was not.  I mostly love the job I'm at now, but I sometimes resent the commute.  I am also transitioning from part-time to full-time  so I've been feeling stressed and overwhelmed.  

As always, I would really like to post more often.  I miss blogging.  I miss the way it helps me unravel the tangle of thoughts that accumulate in my head sometimes.  Hopefully, now that I've actually logged in and "broken the ice" again, I will increase with both blogging and commenting.