Monday, August 24, 2015

Testing, Testing

Is there an Internet record for unintended hiatus time?  I've got to be in the top 10 by now at least.  Life gets so busy and I mostly read blogs from my mobile app, which is annoying to comment from.  I end up never commenting, even when I intend to log on from my computer and comment later.  I never comment, but I promise I read.

We are still here, plugging along, the four of us.  Roo starts 2nd grade in a couple of days and Tanner is 2.  They both rock and I can't get enough of them. 

I suppose I should throw in that we are TTC.  It's not big news, trust me.  We've been TTC for a year.  Cycle 12.  Or, as I tell my friends or friendly coworkers when they ask, "a few months."  I hate talking about it with anyone.  I already feel like an uneducated idiot every time I think about it without some well-meaning person asking me how many csections I've had.   By the time I recount my complicated obstetrical history I can tell the person on the other end is convinced I'm an idiot.  Worse, a greedy idiot.  With two living children.  Recently I was asked, "Would it really be the worst thing if you ended up with just the two kids?"  And yes.  Believe me we've done our best to convince ourselves that two kids is a fine number. And we know how many people never get to have 2 children, and it isn't often that we forget to be grateful for them. But we just don't feel done yet.  We certainly know we are taking a risk.  Thank you, random question-asker.  

Jerry and I got married 6 months ago.  This July was 10 years together for us, and since we got engaged a year in we were definitely overdue.  I think it took me a few years to figure out that there was never going to be a convenient time to have a wedding.  After Matthew died, we had Roo with no time in between for a non-pregnant, emotionally stable wedding.  Then I wanted to finish nursing school, and Tanner came along right after graduation.  My parents also had a gory divorce when Roo was a few months old, and I found myself not believing much in marriage for awhile.    I have called him my husband to others for so long, I never realized how many people didn't know that we weren't married.  So yeah.  We took the kiddos, our families, and a few friends and went to Las Vegas.  I had a fun little wedding weekend topped off with a white dress, and a 20-minute ceremony.  It was a great time (although if I had it to do over again, I would have left at least 50% of my extended family members at home), and we are happy.  And no, we don't feel any different.  We've been married for a very long time.  We just never got around to celebrating it.  

Other than that, I don't know what else to include in this catch-up post.  We live in the same townhouse (currently house shopping).   I have the same job on the Med/Surg floor, and I just quit my weekend ER job a few weeks ago.  I lasted two years there, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how.  It was my first job out of nursing school and it was really terrible.  Then when I added my Med/Surg job in, I just kept going back to my old job one weekend a month.  The extra money was nice, the extra time away from my family was not.  I mostly love the job I'm at now, but I sometimes resent the commute.  I am also transitioning from part-time to full-time  so I've been feeling stressed and overwhelmed.  

As always, I would really like to post more often.  I miss blogging.  I miss the way it helps me unravel the tangle of thoughts that accumulate in my head sometimes.  Hopefully, now that I've actually logged in and "broken the ice" again, I will increase with both blogging and commenting.

Friday, April 25, 2014

8 Years

8 years ago, in the early morning hours of April 25, 2006, my life changed irrevocably with the words, "There's nothing more we can do."  I had watched them working on my son, praying for a miracle that I believed would come.  Jerry understood before I did, and tears began to stream down his face.  I grabbed his hand and shook my head.  I started to shake uncontrollably.  I said, "No. Not yet.  Hold on."  I don't know who I was talking to.  Jerry?  Myself?  My son?  The God that I believed was just and good up until that defining moment?  It doesn't matter because no one could save him.

Statistics vary, but the survival rate for 27 weekers that are 2 weeks old is something like 95%.  We are the 5%.  We are the worst-case scenario.  The truth is I will never truly know how many miracles I have been given in my life.  My two beautiful living, breathing children.  My husband.  But beyond that--I'll never know how many car accidents were averted by delaying us for five minutes.  How many potential hazards in our bodies have healed themselves. How many times God has intervened on our behalves. I believe in miracles, and I know I've been given at least a few in my life so far.  Hopefully, I will live to see a few more.

Today, I can't help but dwell on the miracle we didn't get.  Today, the life we should have had plays on an endless reel in my head.   There is no stopping it.  After 8 years I don't even try to stop it anymore.  

Matthew...Your family loves you and we think of you always. 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Happy New Year--4 Months Late

Hello again friends!  Life has been so busy, I've been reduced to reading blogs on my phone, which doesn't encourage commenting or adding posts of my own.  This is my first post in 2014; I just discarded the New Year's post I had languishing in my drafts folder.  I think we're past that now.  Things have been crazy, of course.  The more time that passes, the harder it becomes to log in and do a quick update.  The updates aren't that quick after a couple of months fly by, and I honestly have no idea where to start or what to cover.  Still, I'll do my best. 
  • How is everyone?  I've been reading, but not commenting much.  I've come to the conclusion that something really gets taken away from the whole blogging experience when the interaction is lost.  I miss commenting!  Hopefully after I finally get this post up and running, I'll have time to drop by a few places and say hello.
  • ...It's April.  I hate April.  I don't know why it insists on coming around every single year.  I wish I could say I'm better at it than I used to be.  I'm not.  I wish I was able to celebrate his birthday, at least.  Instead, over the last few years we have been reduced to just surviving the month.  Just getting through the days.  Around this time of year, I am just surviving.  Not really living.  Not really enjoying my life.  
  • Our little guy turned 1 on March 18th!  No infants around here any more!  I like to squeeze him until he laughs and say, "Baby refill!" but technically I can't say that now.  My little dude has never spent a single second of life considering himself a baby.  He is a force of nature.  He is everywhere.  I think I say this about every stage, but I am particularly loving this one.  The same can likely not be said for Roo...he is constantly up in her grill.  He follows her endlessly and is starting to really get in the way when it comes to her elaborate games.  She will be trying to create a game using every doll and stuffed animal and trinket she owns.  He will lurch in like a drunken sailor and demolish everything in his path.  It must be frustrating for her, but I continue to be amazed at her tolerance.  She adores him and makes him laugh louder than anyone.  It is such an unexpected gift to watch the sibling love between them. 
  • Roo is finishing up her last quarter of Kindergarten.  I am definitely ready for summer!  She seems to like school most of the time.  She is a little perfectionist and sometimes needs extra support when it comes to her schoolwork.  She gets frustrated when she doesn't get something perfect the first time and needs to be reminded not to be hard on herself.  I'm told she gets this from me.  Uh-oh. 
  • Speaking of "Baby refills" I am in full-on worry-mode when it comes to the subject of the Imaginary Future Baby.  My heart hurts so much when it comes to this topic, you guys.  I cannot begin to cover it in a bullet-pointed post, but I am really struggling over this right now.  It hurts when you have a child missing from your family.  It hurts when you know your body isn't going to produce the babies you wish it would.  It hurts to feel like you aren't done having kids, but you are terrified to try again.  Ugh.  To be continued.  If there's anything I blab about consistently here, it is babies.  
  • I made a job switch.  Well, added a job anyway.  The Option B hospital hired me to the Medical/Surgical floor.  I am just finishing up my second week of orientation, and I'm getting my butt kicked.  There is so much to learn, the commute is awful, I'm exhausted, and I miss my kiddos.  I think I could love the job eventually, but it's hard to tell from here.  Between living in the middle-of-nowhere, my family-building challenges, and my struggles to build a career I feel really overwhelmed some days.  I actually kept my old job in the tiny rural ER 2.5 hours away and have switched to a per diem position.  I'm planning on continuing to do one weekend a month down there in the hopes that I will acquire the experience between my two jobs to get the job I really want close to home in a few years.

  • Did I mention that the Option B hospital is also the hospital where Matthew was born 8 years ago?  Nope, I see that I didn't bring that up in my last whiny job post.  Well...I am now employed in the hospital where my firstborn's premature birth left an indelible mark on my heart.  My first night of work, I floated over to the OB unit to watch a couple of babies whose mamas needed rest.  I stayed away from the delivery rooms.  One of the nurses I recognized from both Matthew's birth and T's premature labor scare last year was on shift.  She stared at me for a minute as though she was trying to place me.  Then she said, "Are you from here?"  I said "No" and left it at that.  I know I'll probably have to fess up eventually, but for the moment, it's April and I just want to get through.  I knew that conversation was beyond what I could handle for the moment.  The nurse continues to be friendly when I see her, but I know she is trying to place where she knows me from still.  When I walked back into that hospital last year, she knew who I was immediately from my basic verbal history over the phone.  She and I talked a lot that night about what happened all those years ago.  Every nurse, doctor, health care worker inevitably has cases and patients who mark them for life.  Situations that you never forget.  It was clear to me that I was one of those cases for her.  The only reason she cannot place me is because she is seeing me as a nurse and not a patient now.  Such a small, crazy world.  There was a time I left that hospital and never thought I'd return.  Now I work there.  I don't always know how I feel about that.  
  • I'm still taking classes towards my BSN.  I've slowed the schedule down so much that I'll likely finish about 2025, but it still feels pretty busy to me.  Right now I have 3 weeks left of class before I take my summer vacation.  I really didn't want to be bogged down with school work when it's Roo's first official summer break.  We have some serious summer plans in the works and I don't know which of us is more excited.  
  • I hope everyone had a great Easter!  Jerry, the kiddos, and I drove 500 miles to spend the holiday back in our hometown.  It was lovely to see people and catch-up with old friends.  We still miss living there so much.  Life can take some crazy twists and turns so it's good to sort of touch base with people who knew you when you were an awkward 14 year old.  

Thursday, December 5, 2013

A Little Complaining and a Little Christmas Cheer

Hello out there!  I feel like I should re-introduce myself after my unintended hiatus.  I'm Reese.  Hi.  How have you all been?

Things have been status quo for the most part.  My career complaints continue.  T-bug keeps on growing at an astounding pace.  Roo is really starting to take off in Kindergarten.  It's about 20 below right now.  Brrr. 

Since my last ranting post regarding my job prospects, I was called by the Option B hospital for a job interview.  I was interviewed in a room with 7 people.  I thought I was going to faint the entire time, but when I left I had the feeling I had done well, and I don't usually get that feeling after job interviews.  But it wasn't all good news.  The job was a per diem hospice position with no regular hours and extensive weekly and holiday call hours.  I would have to stay in the town during call time because I live an hour away and you have to respond to calls within 30 minutes.  So I would have to stay in a hotel or with someone I vaguely know during those times.  Translation:  nights away from my kids.  Something I am already doing and actually making money at.  Call time only pays $2.50 an hour if you aren't called in.  The thing is?  I really wanted that job.  I didn't know how much I wanted it until I was in the interview.  The people interviewing me were lovely.  And I realized I would be GOOD at hospice, even though it isn't an area I felt I was heading towards in school.  

After the interview, I cried in the grocery store parking lot.  I had this feeling I had done well in the interview, but I knew there was probably no way I could take the job.  Sure enough, two days later they offered it to me.  I tried to negotiate a bit on the call time to see if we could work something out, but in the end I had to turn it down.  The manager was very nice and said she would put a note in my profile stating how hire-able I was.  Since then--nothing.  

The following weekend I went to do my three days at work, and I had the hardest time I've had yet.  Jerry was working nights that week, which he is terrible at adjusting to.  He had stayed up late into the morning to finish a few things and the kids were with their grandparents.  He fell asleep without setting an alarm or turning the ringer up on his phone.  When I got off work that night, I couldn't reach him for three hours.  When I called to check on the kids, they said he had said he would grab them but hadn't shown up.  I ended up sending my dad to our house to find him.  Of course he had only fallen asleep, but I was inconsolable.  My frustration at being so far away and my fear that something bad will happen while I'm gone just combined into one big fat panic attack.  Needless to say, I ended up yelling at Jerry and spent much of the weekend crying my eyes out when I wasn't working.  

These job struggles have been throwing off every aspect of my life lately.  And with Obamacare about to land, the hospitals aren't hiring like they normally would.  I'm still applying like crazy, but the constant rejection can really get to a girl.  Being away from the kiddos for three days at a time is excruciating.  Up until T-Bug was born I hadn't even been away from Roo for more than 2 days, and she was 5.  Now I'm spending three days away from home at a time while breastfeeding?  It sucks.  I am someone who needs to know where I'm headed, needs a plan, so to say I'm not weathering this situation well would be an understatement.  We are waiting to start house hunting until we figure out where I'll be working.  We are waiting to try for another baby until we figure out where I'll be working.  We are waiting to find permanent child care for T-Bug until we figure out where I'll be working.  I feel like everything is waiting on a new job right now. 

Honestly, I've been considering the possibility that I may need to go on an anti-depressant or an anti-anxiety medication.  But I'm breastfeeding, and I do not want to quit early to go on something.  I think that would make me feel worse.  T-Bug will barely take formula as it is, and he isn't very interested in solids yet.  And I'm much better when I'm home than when I'm gone.  When I'm at work I do alright while I am busy, it's the twelve hours I am off between shifts that go badly.  Basically right now I am still hoping this will all sort itself out.  I wasn't having an excessive amount of trouble adjusting to being away from the kids when we lived close to my work and I was only gone for twelve hours.  So I'm hoping that if/when I find a new job, most of these issues will resolve themselves.  I don't know.  

Ohh...let's talk about babies, shall we?  How are your babies?  Mine are just delightful.  Roo is liking Kindergarten.  She kind of does her own thing there.  Plays with boys mostly and doesn't seem too wrapped up in playing with one specific group.  We are word-blending like crazy around here and she is really starting to get it.  She has always loved books so she is actually motivated to read.  Her handwriting is terrible, though, and we practice that a lot at home.  She's a leftie so I think it's just coming to her a bit slower.  She gets it from her dad.  She absolutely adores her baby brother and he loves her right back.  I truly did not expect them to love each other so much, but they have the loveliest relationship.  Every morning when she gets up she runs to his crib and climbs in it to love on him for a moment.  He squeals with delight when he sees her.  She tells me she is going to have a baby boy named Tractor when she grows up and a baby girl whose name changes almost daily. 

T-Bug is crawling at the speed of light, standing and cruising, saying "Mamamama" to get my attention, and getting into everything.  He loves to stick his hands in the toilet.  He loves to stick his hands in the outlets (I have them covered now, of course).  The garbage can in the pantry is also fun.  He is quite the Mama's boy and follows me from room to room.  He also gets away from me frequently and can hide himself in corners fairly well.  We live in a townhouse so the master bedroom, master bath, living room, dining room, and kitchen are on the first floor and there are two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs as well.  I keep the first floor child-proofed really well and then let Roo go wild with her tiny little girly toys upstairs since T-Bug still rooms with us.  That system is working pretty well so far.  Roo is good about not bringing small toys downstairs and only needs the occasional reminder.  We also have an unfinished basement where the laundry room and litter box are kept.  This door is kept closed and has a baby gate that is also always closed for safety.  He will go to anybody unless I am the one passing him off.  He does very well with Jerry when I am away, but he is a bit clingy when I return.  His laugh is currently the ringtone on my phone.  

He doesn't have much interest in walking, but I can see him letting go of the couch and standing with no support frequently now so I know as soon as he decides to walk, he will.  He's 8.5 months old now, and it's going by so fast.  He still doesn't sleep through the night since he started waking up again at about 5.5 months.  I'm convinced if he would take more solids instead of insisting on a constant supply of breast milk he would sleep better, but try telling him that.  So I'm a bit sleep deprived and I use that as an excuse to take a nap with him every day.  The things I go through.  Every stage is so much fun with both of them so far.

Speaking of fun...Christmas is coming.  I'm normally a bit of a Grinch when left in my natural habitat, but Christmas with little kids is magic.  At 6, I am aware that Roo only has a limited amount of time left to believe in Santa.  The other day she told me that the Tooth Fairy isn't real because she's never seen her.  Uh-oh.  So this house is turning into a Christmas ornament painting, felt-Christmas-tree cutting, hot glue-gunning center of magic this year.  And it's my baby's first Christmas to boot!  On top of it my "Holistic Care of the Older Adult" class wraps on Friday and ACLS classes finish up on Wednesday.  I can read for pleasure again!  I can watch Netflix until I pass out without feeling like I should be studying!  It is going to rock! 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Slow Down

Yesterday I failed.  At life.  The day started off with a bang, with a huge debate over whether I should drop the extra class that is due to start on Monday.  Do I have too much on my plate?  Am I doing enough? It was pretty intense and I felt myself getting frustrated by the fact that I'm in these classes in the first place.  Because they are stupid and expensive and a huge time suck.  The kids were scheduled to get their pictures taken so there was a fair amount of rushing involved.  Then I get pulled over on the way out of town--going 74 in a 70.  The officer let me off with a warning, but I was irritated that he had pulled me over in the first place and then proceeded to take 15 minutes to do his paperwork.  I was irritated with myself for not paying closer attention to the speedometer.  When we arrived at the studio, Roo's hair had come undone in the car.  And Tanner didn't want to be put down.  Roo kept asking if she was done.  Neither child wanted to cooperate.  We left and got halfway home before I remembered that I needed to stop at the grocery store.  By the time I got home I was so frazzled I thought I was going to explode.

Roo had extra days off school this week, and I had wanted to go back home.  It has been over a year since I've been back, but I decided I was better off staying home and getting things in order (we still haven't unpacked the boxes in the garage).  Yesterday I was so frustrated and stressed and just worked up in general that it wasn't until bedtime that I remembered that a year ago there was only ONE child to photograph.  A year ago, we did Roo's holiday portraits and I was just praying I'd have a baby to get pictures of this year.  And guess what?  My wish came true.  And I couldn't even find a moment in my day to pause and acknowledge that.

Things have been so frazzled lately.  My job frustrations and trying to adjust to having moved twice in 10 months have taken their toll.  Have I mentioned that Roo is having a bit of trouble in Kindergarten?  Or that Tanner has decided to NEVER sleep for the last 6 weeks or so?

Today I decided not to suck at life.  Jerry had to work this weekend, so the kiddos and I packed our bags and took off for parts unknown.  There's a museum about 4 hours from home that I've wanted to take Roo to for a few years now.  We drove down, grabbed a hotel, and did the museum.  Now I'm stretched out in a King-sized bed with both of them tucked in beside me.  They swam their little fins off and passed out the second we laid down to watch a movie.

I don't know how to describe how trapped I've felt by our relocation.  I never wanted to live in a small town, and although I wouldn't consider myself a super outdoorsy person, I miss the mountains much more than I would have thought.  Tonight I sat on my hotel balcony and watched the sun set behind the mountains for the first time in a year.  I thought about how Tanner's never been this close to the place Jerry and I come from.  I never imagined my children would grow up in a different location than I did.

I feel sane again tonight.  I know I'll pay in the upcoming week for the things I didn't get done this weekend, but I think a deliberate slow-down was worth it.

Friday, October 4, 2013

In Which I Complain About My Abysmal Career Prospects

Before I begin this post that is likely to end up being a really hot mess, I should probably mention that the lump is back.  I am not writing this in the most optimistic state of mind.  I'm here right now to dump my emotional baggage all over this blog in the hopes that I can either A) magically come up with a previously unimagined solution or B) magically feel better about my current lot in life.  We'll see.

My career, or rather lack thereof, is pushing the limits of my sanity.  Back in June, I was hired (Waaaay too easy of a process now that I reflect on it--I should have known) at a small (freaking tiny) rural hospital with an attached long term care unit.  I signed up to work 36 hours per biweekly pay period, equaling 3 twelve hour shifts.  The idea was to work weekends so that my schedule wouldn't interfere with Jerry's and we would not need outside child care.  I was to float somewhat between long-term care and hospital/emergency room training.

A week after I started the job Jerry got the call to interview for his now current job.  Of course he gets offered the position, and suddenly we are moving 2.5 hours away.  I was thrilled to leave that crappy, horrible, sorry excuse for a town we had lived in for the last year.  I really really was.  But suddenly, I have a job that is 2.5 hours away from where I live.

If it weren't for the fact that pregnancy kept me on the career bench for a year after nursing school, I honestly would have just quit the job and started a leisurely job search at this time.  Since I need the experience badly, I kept the job and am now searching desperately for a new one. 

The job itself sucks.  I spend too much time stagnating in long term care for my liking.  I know everyone has to start somewhere but I spent years in long term care prior to and during nursing school.  I know my stuff down there, but it's not where I want to be.  The hospital is flooded with several new grad nurses that I now have to jostle a bit with to get ER shifts.  It's hard to jostle when you work part time and your heart just isn't in it.  Even the hospital can be excruciatingly slow, and the ER sometimes sees just 1 or 2 patients in a 12 hour shift (rural, people.  rural.). 

Still, I am getting a smidge of experience under my belt, and in a few days I'll be doing ACLS classes so that's something.  The facility maintains overnight accommodations in the form of mini-apartments where traveling staff (about 85% of the staff does not live locally) can stay while they are working.  It's cheap, clean, and convenient to stay there while you are working.

The thing that's pushing me over the edge?  I am having to leave my children, my 6 year old and 6 month old baby, for 3 days at a time every other weekend to get my hours in.  This is the worst thing ever.  It's just me, my breast pump, and my tears at night.  For 3 nights.  The kids are with Jerry or their grandparents while I am gone.  They are fine.  They are loved.  I know this.  But I can't stand being away.  Last weekend I was sure the T-Bug was going to crawl while I was gone.  I just miss them so much, and I feel so far away.  It makes me resent the job and hate myself for being away.  It is terrible.  It is awful.  I worry about the weekend for days leading up to it.  Days. 

So I should find a different job right?  Well folks, aside from my general inexperience in the nursing field and the fact that there are tons of newly licensed nursing grads out there looking for jobs right now, my options are SEVERELY limited in this area.  Allow me to elaborate.

Option A.  This is the ideal option for me.  It's a government-run clinic and ER (no overnight hospital stays) in a minority community.  Government-run=really nice benefits and student loan repayment programs.  Minority population has a huge need for healthcare and has issues that are unique to the area and the population.  Working there would be challenging and interesting.  Facility is 20 minutes from the house.  The golden chalice of nursing jobs, if you will.  This place will likely take me YEARS to score a job at.  So...I've schmoozed with the director of nursing.  And I'm working on a spiffy little cover letter catered to the job I desire.  But there aren't any positions open in the clinic or the ER.  And I'm not qualified for an ER position with them yet (they want 2 years of ER experience).  

On to Option B.  This is by far the largest hospital and is the most likely option for acquiring ER experience that will get me to Option A.  It's an hour away from my home, which is a significant disadvantage, especially with winter approaching.  I applied for a per diem position there and immediately got a phone interview.  I was passed "onto the hiring manager's desk" and have heard nothing in the month since then.  The position I applied for had been listed for over 90 days by the time I applied.  I think they are likely gathering a pool of applications to draw from before they pick their favorites to interview in person.  And I can't really swim yet.  Anyone with more than 4 months of experience will beat me out of a job.

Option C.  Tiny rural hospital much like the one I am working at now except it is 30 minutes from my home.  I did call there and I have an application for this facility that I haven't sent yet (because I'm busy being anxious and super fun to live with and that's taking up all of my time).  When I spoke to the director of this facility, there was a nursing home position available, but nothing in the hospital.  And if I'm going to be forced to do work in long term care, I may be better off staying at my current job where I am at least getting SOME acute care experience.  So...I just don't know.

Option D.  Local clinic where my entire family goes for their medical care.  And they have a position open.  That my entire extended family called and told me about.  Small town.  I can see the helicopter pad from my patio.  I applied and interviewed at this facility.  It doesn't look like a fun place to work and the health insurance sucks.  The job also entails 4 ten hour days a week plus one night (5 pm to 8 am) of call per week and one weekend (Friday at 5 to Monday at 8) per month.  The problem with this?  As a nurse, I really only want to work full-time if I can do it in the form of 3 twelve hour shifts a week.  I don't want to be away from my kiddos every day.  The thought of putting Tanner in daycare right now seriously makes me nauseous.  I just don't want to.  I will pretty much do anything to make sure I don't miss time with my baby.  One of the big things I love about my life right now is that most days I am home with my kiddos.  Most days I take Roo to Kindergarten and pick her up.  I hang with Tanner and do my schoolwork and make dinner.  I love it.  I don't want to give that up.  This is time that I will never get back and I really feel like I missed a lot of Roo's early years when I was working and going to school.  Screw that.  Jerry and I just made another major location change because we were tired of all the time he was spending away from home for work.  We have given up a lot to get our little family and we both feel we should enjoy it as much as we can.  Thanks to student loan debt and the fact that we want to buy a house within the next year, I do need to work, but I would like it to be as compact and easy on my family as possible.

I tried to casually see if the local clinic would let me do 3 days a week, but they didn't seem into it.  And they haven't called to offer me the job yet anyway so it's a moot point at this time.  These are the ONLY facilities in my area.  There is nothing else, folks.  These places sometimes go a year without openings (except for Option B and their "pool").  I could be stuck in this position for a long time and it is really getting to me.  When I went to nursing school I pictured myself working in a large facility in an urban area.  It has already been a huge adjustment for me to understand that I won't be working in a neonatal intensive care unit or an intensive care unit anytime soon.  Now I also have to give up time with my family?  

I have no idea where to go from here.  Needless to say, I'm really hoping that something gives soon.