Saturday, February 11, 2012

Is It Time?

AF showed up yesterday, day 35! of my cycle.  I was a little disappointed.  Okay, really really disappointed.  I called Jer (because you know, the workings of my menstrual cycle are big news in this household).  I tried to sound casual because we are not officially TTC anyway, but he sounded so disappointed it almost broke my heart.  I have only minimal experience with this stuff since Matthew was an accident and the Kiddo happened almost instantaneously after dropping the pill, but...shouldn't I be pregnant by now?  Allow me to bore you with the following psychotic timeline.

May 2011:  have an obsession with the negative risks associated with
                 The Pill. Stop taking The Pill and agree to just "be careful" for
                 a few months. "Careful" with us is not that careful.

July 2011:  Jerry starts new job and the long-distance relationship begins.
                All precautionary measures cease to exist, but we refuse to
                admit we are actively trying to make anything happen.

January 2012:  Not freaking pregnant.

Jerry and I agreed that a pregnancy would be best timed if I did not have to worry about being bed-rested during a very physically demanding period of nursing school.  So we reasoned that as long as I didn't hit 20 weeks before graduation (because I am a MANDATORY 20 weeks-bedrest girl) we would be safe.  Since I have the option of continuing schooling next year through a combination of online and occasional classroom learning, we have determined that this would be an ideal time to have another baby.

As of January, I was still in a place where I figured waiting until graduation would be just fine.  And then.  We had a weekend together during which I knew I was in the "danger zone" but proceeded to disregard this.  Had the pregnancy dream.  Proceeded to start having psychosomatic pregnancy symptoms:  sensitivity to smell, headache, vague nausea, tired.  My body obliged me in this fantasy by running several days late during which time I obsessively blew through probably ten pregnancy tests.  Yesterday I reasoned that because the tests I was using expired last year (I compulsively hoard tests), I should run out and buy new fresh ones.  That also came up negative.  And then It started.  

I guess, more than anything else, I am just kinda bowled over by how disappointed I/we were about this.  In my head, I know I am already way overbooked.  I am not getting adequate study time.  I am barely keeping up with handling the Kiddo all by myself.  I am exhausted.  I have a serious addiction to sugar-free Red Bull that needs to be addressed.  I haven't been to the gym in weeks.  My house is a wreck.  I am several assignments behind in one of my classrooms, just barely survived the last two weeks of Midterm Hell, and have yet another paper to write.  And yet.  I was already rearranging things in my head to accommodate this imaginary pregnancy.  So...we are trying to calmly and rationally discuss whether we should be trying this month.  Ugh.

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