Even before I embarked on this sorta-surprise pregnancy, I had no delusions of things going perfectly. I knew I could lose another child. Perhaps this sounds terrible, but I was hoping it would happen early on. I figured I would be less attached, that I could "hold off" on becoming attached for awhile. I don't think all women are this way; I think many are attached from the second they know of the baby's existence. I already have a history of loss so I do my best not to get overly excited about an embryo or a baby who isn't here safely yet. But I had no delusions. There is no protection from that swell of hope and the terrorizing fear that comes along with it. There is no way I can keep from loving the baby that kicks and flips constantly in my stomach and sucks his thumb during ultrasounds.
I can do everything possible to try to hang onto my "wait and see" approach. I can cut off every annoyingly well-intentioned person who starts to say, "When the baby gets here..." I can avoid telling my daughter detailed stories of what a great big sister she is going to be.
But I can't protect us. I can 't save this baby. I can't keep my daughter from remembering she was supposed to have a baby brother if one day there isn't one anymore. I can't keep Jerry from feeling the pain of holding another dead child. I can't save myself from any dangerous complications that might occur. I can't protect us.
I wouldn't say I underestimated the feelings of helplessness that would come. I know I'll start to feel a bit better after we get past 27 weeks, and even better when we are past 30. I know that squashing all hopeful thoughts into oblivion won't spare me any pain in the end.
It's just...damn I hope this all ends well.
You've put all of those feelings into words perfectly. And, it doesn't sound terrible that you would hope for an early loss if you were going to have to endure another loss. It's a defense mechanism that makes total sense. I kept telling R the same thing early in the pregnancy with Miss A - that if it was going to end, I'd rather it end early on. Any loss is tough, but I have to imagine that the further it gets, the tougher it is. Thinking of you and silently cheering you on every day...
ReplyDeleteI felt exactly like this in my last pregnancy. Around 25 weeks I realized I was completely unable to handle this anymore, and that if we lost this baby we wouldn't be trying for another one. I so hope all ends well for you!!
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