23 Weeks 1 Day

Today?  Was not my favorite day ever.  I awoke to the unmistakeable aroma of dog shit wafting from the living room.  Someone ate something he/she shouldn't have, but neither wanted to fess up.  Several hours later I realize that the show is not yet over.   That's right.  Another mess, this one of the yarf variety and conveniently located under the bed.  At least I don't have carpet in this bedroom.  I blame this one on Scout because he was looking pretty guilty and is usually the one who eats garbage if given the chance. Just between you and I, dear Internet, he is the WORST dog ever.   I told him he wasn't my favorite canine today and that he should make himself scarce.  He wisely did.

I wouldn't normally stoop so low as to discuss my dogs' bowel movements, but it was pretty much representative of my emotional state today, so....I promise I'll only do it this one time.  

I'm holding it together okay, really.  I think it's just the potent combination of teetering here on the Edge of Viability with Baby Blue, the ongoing vehicle dilemma we've been having, learning to deal with life in FrontierLand, and the pressure I feel because I'm not using my nursing degree in any way that brings in money.  I am staying busy these days increasing my student loan debt rather than paying on it with gainful employment.  I don't think Dave Ramsey would approve.

Also.  I am possibly the worst housewife ever.  Seriously.  I can't keep this house clean no matter what I do.  I blame Jerry and the Kiddo, but it's not really them.  It's me.  When I was busy balancing nursing school and the Kiddo, I just wrote it off as being busy.  Now?  I am busy, but not busy enough for it to be a valid excuse.  The house just always seems completely out of control.  This is a big problem.  Why do you ask?  Oh yeah, because I am pregnant.  And you never know when I might have to disappear from my house for a few months to hang out in the NICU.  Jerry would have to come back at some point and work as would the Kiddo.  It would really bother me if there was still a pile of moving boxes in the living room and that happened.  I am not getting Baby Blue's room ready prior to hospital discharge so I think this may be my version of nesting.  Hopefully, the issue won't even come up.

Baby Blue is still gestating away.

Gender Announcement

As previously promised....

Hello Dear Internet, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Want to guess what I'm thankful for this year?  Well...I really love my dogs and cats, my Jerry, and my Kiddo so I am always thankful for them.  But this Thanksgiving I'm grateful that I could just maybe get my baby BOY in 2013!  

This little Fetus?  I'm totally into him you guys.  He's super kicky and punchy and just...active.  He is also much more interested in voices then I remember babies being in utero.  It is so delightful.  Kiddo was a peaceful sort of fetus; she would roll gently and tap a bit.  Matthew was pretty active as well, but since the pregnancy ended early and I had no other babies to compare him to I just assumed it was normal behavior when one is a fetus.  This time I just find it so thrilling.  I've never been someone who truly loves being pregnant but he is just awesome.  And it's been so long since I was last pregnant that it all feels new again. When he's being active, I often stop absolutely everything to just love on him.  I don't mean to get all squishy and mushy on everyone, but this post is a happy one so I'm gonna let all the squishy, mushy, gooey stuff out here.

As I type this he is kicking like crazy and I keep having to move the computer around on my lap. 

It is also now past midnight and I am officially 23 weeks pregnant!  Or as I happily informed Jerry this morning:  "The Day I am Officially Allowed to be an Asshole if I go into Labor and That Irritating Doctor Doesn't Act Right and Give Me Tocolytics and Steroids."  Because it is getting VERY close to the Edge of Viability you guys.  And it's not common (not at all!) but it does occasionally work out that a 23-weeker is a real fighter and makes it through without adverse outcomes.  From now on, I get to demand a chance for my SON.  I desperately hope that the issue won't come up at all, but I'm glad it's there.  

Dear Baby Boy, just stay in there awhile longer.  At least 7 weeks please.  In return, I will promise to attempt to figure out what cool toys for little boys actually are.  I only understand little girl toys right now, but I will get there. 

The Long March to the Threshold of Viability

Today, I made the 1.5 hour commute to see Small Town MD.  I really don't like him much.  First of all, I'm 29 and I'm thinking he is younger than me.  I don't like that at all.  Obviously you haven't been a doctor for that many years if you are younger than 29.  Please correct me if I'm wrong.  It would actually be helpful.  What's the youngest average first year resident in this country?  26?  

Second of all....he felt the need to say something along the lines of "Well....we really wouldn't intervene at all before 24 weeks...sorry if that sounds harsh" Umm....no fricking kidding.  Obviously I am aware of the dangers of preterm labor prior to and immediately following the golden 24 week mark.  But thanks for reassuring me that nothing would/could be done for my baby if it all goes to shit tomorrow.  I mean, the nurse part of me obviously appreciates his straight forward approach.  But the hormonal mommy part?  The part that's in control these days?  She doesn't find him amusing.  I had also just finished telling him that my anxiety feels extreme these days.  I said that every time I experience a vague twinge, much less a contraction, I FREAK out (don't freak out too-- They haven't ever resembled anything regular).  It's so sad that when you are pregnant all of the anti-anxiety meds that have a real kick to them are unavailable.  Actually he didn't even offer me any meds at all.  Jerk.  The one time in my life when I wish I could actually consider taking something.

Lastly.  He just seems more and more uncomfortable with handling my case.  He suggested that I should maybe just see the City MFM Specialist from here on out.  I told him that was a great idea, but I was employing his services because of his relatively close vicinity to me compared to that of City MFM Specialist.  I told him I would love it if he didn't have to deliver, but since he didn't want to schedule a section prior to 39 weeks (he's not comfortable doing it earlier in the small hospital) and I have never made it to 39 weeks in my life I figured I should just brace for the worst and hope for the best.  City MFM Specialist is the organized "Best" delivery.  Small Town MD is the "Oh shit, brace for the worst" delivery.  We agreed that he will continue to monitor until 36 weeks at which time I will be completely transferred over to City MFM Specialist and will pass the remainder of my pregnancy in the city.  

I cried in the reception area on the phone to my friend following the appointment.  I really don't like crying in front of other humans.

Adding to the charm of my day the tiny bank here in FrontierLand is giving me all kinds of issues with the things they aren't capable of.  And when I stopped by my Internet provider's office to discuss my need for an increased download speed, I was told that I have the fastest internet available for my location.  The internet is at less than half the download speeds I had when I lived on the other side of the state.  You know, back when I lived in a respectable town.  All in all, I do feel like I'm adjusting to frontier life better than I would have expected, but the lack of an adequate internet speed just about pushes me over the edge.  I am going to try to research some other options but it appears thus far that I have employed the ONLY internet service provider in a 200 mile radius around me and I may not have other options.  Ugh.

Then!  Then we had our only fully functional vehicle looked over and got the news that it needs a very expensive repair soon.  And it started just blizzarding right when we started heading home.  The 1.5 hour drive took almost 4 hours and there were wrecks everywhere.  There were actual snow drifts on the highway.  Thank the Lord we made it home safely.  I think we've had enough trouble today.  There's four inches so far and due to dump a whole lot more before morning.  Hello winter in FrontierLand. 

In other news...Jerry felt the baby kick for the first time tonight.  It was pretty awesome.  I don't think he's ever felt a baby this early before.  Usually it's a few weeks from now.  Not all of the kicks are visible from the outside, but the really feisty kicks are.  This little fetus is feisty.  Still being very careful not to give away the gender until I get the post up.  

I'll be back later with another fascinating complain-y post. Baby is incubating away.  Mama is not so cozy, but plugging along.  Here's to an uneventful 3 weeks and 2 days followed by several more uneventful weeks. 

Testing...

Umm....hi Internet.  I never intended for it to be so long between posts, but here we are.  I need a really long catch up post.  When you are busy it can be difficult to update the blog on both past and present events.  I think I'm going to do it in bullets this time:

• Everything is fine, pregnancy wise.  So far.  I'm 20 weeks and 4 days today.  Need to get a ticker up on the blog but I am a bit paranoid.

• I did find out what I'm having during my last ultrasound but I feel that deserves it's own blog post at the very least so I will reveal soon.

• The gender reveal is awesome, but I have seen a huge spike in my anxiety levels in the two weeks since then.  I didn't really know if I wanted to find out but Jerry really did so....we did.  It literally turns the baby into a person when you hear.  I've spent the first part of my pregnancy (okay, the first 16 weeks or so really) just taking a "wait and see" approach.  I didn't say shit like, "Oh, when the baby comes..."  But now I'm in deep, my friends.  I WANT my baby and the "wait and see" approach is flying out the window.  With it is going any serenity I felt about this pregnancy.  I'm still trying to take it day by day.  I'm just not that good at it.  Do I sound like I'm panicking?  I'm definitely panicking.

• I moved a little over a month ago.  Four days after the move, I hit a deer on the way to my doctor's appointment.  Totaled my car.  The one I just made a very expensive engine repair on.  I had Kiddo with me and I am so grateful we were both (all 3 of us, I suppose) ok.  We stayed in our lane on the interstate the entire time and I never lost control of the car.  I was going the speed limit but it was still pretty fast.  The deer was dead before it hit the ground.  I can't even kill a bug that makes eye contact with me so I felt badly.  And I really liked my car.  It could've been so much worse, but it has still been a huge problem to lose a car.

• Adding to the fun, less than 2 weeks later the engine on Jerry's old truck finally gave out.  I seriously used the AAA membership twice in 2 weeks.  It was the first time we ever even had to use our AAA membership.  I almost didn't renew it this year.  Thank goodness for small miracles.

• So I've spent a lot of time talking to my insurance company lately.  I really dislike insurance companies.

• I am very glad to finally be living with Jerry again.  We ended up living separately for 15 months, and it wasn't fun.  It's so nice to be living under the same roof again.  We are tough, but our relationship took some serious hits and I am happy to say that we have started to rebuild.  It's not anything specific that went wrong.  It's just really easy to grow apart when you both lead your own busy lives, and you are never seeing each other.  It's hard to feel like the other person understands what you are going through.  It's hard not to feel alone.

• I read my last post.  It's always a bit ironic to look back on past posts where I thought I had big problems.  What I really needed was a bit of perspective and I guess I got it.  Between the pregnancy, the relationship "struggles," the vehicle issues, and the move it's been a rough time.  I've been having a rough time.  Not the melodramatic kind.  The real kind.  I'm going to just leave it at that instead of trying to write some whiny nonsensical post about my woes.  Bullet points.

• Jerry's family?  They are excruciatingly difficult for me to deal with sometimes.  I think they really felt like I abandoned Jerry over here when I didn't quit nursing school and follow him when he changed jobs last year.  The truth is I felt terrible for not being here with him.  I wondered a million times if it would cost me my relationship, staying and finishing school over moving to be with him.  Between us we knew that I HAD to stay and finish and we wholeheartedly agreed on the reasons.  If you've been reading since last year you may remember this post.  Number 2?  That was Jerry's family, my friends.  I was too tactful (classy? discreet?)  to say it out loud back then.  I guess we are past that now.  They have certainly been less than tactful about the matter, to say the least.

• Apparently there are certain family members who did not feel I hustled over here quick enough after graduation in June.  I haven't actually taken the opportunity to defend myself to them (and I'm not sure I should even dignify their opinions with a response at all.  It's none of their business in the first place) so I will defend myself here.  Because I'm sure the whole world is interested.  I graduated June 9th.  We went on vacation.  Then I followed him over here and we stayed several weeks into July.  I went home to study for my NCLEX.  I got a positive pregnancy test July 20th (?) I took my NCLEX July 26th.  I put my little house up for sale the DAY after NCLEX.  I sold my house by September 8th and we moved October 4th.  I'm sorry, did I dally too much?

• In their defense I must say, they did not know I was pregnant until last week.  Because I don't really enjoy their opinions so when I was being criticized I didn't want to explain that I was pregnant and not feeling all that perky on top of everything else I was handling this summer.  Because it wasn't their business and I'll be damned if I was going to let them have an opinion on my pregnancy too.

• Also I temporarily blocked my mother-in-law's phone number from my phone.  For a few days.  Because I'd had all I could handle over the last 7 years and I just. needed. a. freaking. minute.  I did feel a little bad about it after a few days and I unblocked it. 

• As you've likely deduced, these are females I am speaking about.  And part of the problem stems from them not understanding why I fought and kicked so hard to get through college.  Neither of them have college level educations and they simply do not understand my kind of female.  To my knowledge they have no desires outside the home and never have.  I'm not trying to bash SAHM's ya'll.  I just don't want someone to turn around and judge me for wanting to become a nurse.  Something I wanted long before Jerry came into my life.  There, I'm done.   

• What do you think?  Do I leave it alone?  Or do I say my piece?  I've spoken up before about another matter and REALLY went off to both females.  They seemed to respond well at the time and truly made an effort to act differently towards me.  But here we are again.  Over a month has passed already, so I've given it time to cool, but I am still so angry and hurt about it.  

• What else?  In the interest of not throwing my career to the wolves while gestating, I am now officially enrolled in an ASN to BSN program.  I recently started my first classes and they are a pain, but I'm really glad to have something to focus on besides the above hot-button issues.

• I should really be studying right now.  That's probably why I was inspired to finally put up a post.  Because I should be doing something else.

• Kiddo is amazing and beautiful and healthy.  She has several loose teeth on the bottom that really need to come out.  She won't pull them.  She is willing to let me wiggle them and pull on them, but even wiggling them causes me to feel dizzy and nauseous so I'm pretty sure I don't have the gumption to pull it.  To be continued...

• Now I'm really glad that I didn't just throw my gender reveal in this messy, nonsensical post.  But look look!  I've pushed my suspicious and anxious nature to the side and added a pregnancy ticker to the top right of the blog.  Behold!