I don't want this post to come off as whiny or complainy. I am grateful to be in the position I am in today (pregnant and having made it through nursing school). It's just...I really hope I haven't severely damaged my career--the career I've worked my ass off to get the chance to have at great personal cost to myself and my family--by getting pregnant right out of nursing school.
I'm pretty sure I was letting my Mommy-Hormones do the thinking for me/us when we decided to proceed with Project Baby. And I'm thrilled that Project Baby is moving along. But I was 99% sure something was wrong and thought I'd just make a vague effort at TTC before my August appointment where I was going to demand a barrage of tests to diagnose the problem. Followed by Clomid. So I was a bit surprised when my vague effort and mommy-hormones turned into two pink lines on the stick. After 15 months of vague effort and mommy-hormones. I haven't seen two pink lines on the stick in 6 years. Even more conveniently, Jerry and I had just had a big talk about how waiting 6 months would probably be wise in order to get moved and settled into a job.
So here we are. The mommy part of me that gets all squishy inside whenever I see so much as a baby sock is really excited. As excited as I can get at 6 weeks 4 days anyway. The mommy part of me cannot stop pinning adorable baby crap on pinterest and daydreaming. The mommy part of me is exaggeratedly excited to buy a bucket car seat again.
But the career-oriented part of me is freaking out. I almost had it made. Kiddo is old enough to go to kindergarten (though we may wait another year still--kind of undecided on that too at the moment) and that would make it so. much. easier to work. An infant will bring both infant challenges and the challenge of juggling more than one child's schedule so that I can work. I just got licensed a week ago. My friends are applying for jobs like crazy and here I sit. Not knowing what to do.
Here's the big thing. I get bedrested. All the damn time. FMLA only protects mothers who have been at their jobs for a year. Obviously I will not hit a year before the end of this pregnancy, no matter how quickly I get employed. If you were an employer, would you be thrilled with a new-grad nurse who was pregnant at time of hire, didn't mention it, then gets bedrested before she's worked for you six months? I think not. It's just not much time to leave a favorable impression on your employer, an impression that you are worth the wait. And when you have every legal right in the world to replace her while she's gone? I think most employers would.
The area that we are moving to is excessively small (I know I've brought this up before because I am a city girl and I don't want to move) so I just can't afford to have one of the hospitals not consider me employable after this pregnancy is over and I am ready to work full time again and really get my feet wet in the nursing field.
If all goes as planned in this pregnancy, I am due March 25, 2013. I really hate due dates. They add so much anxiety and pressure, don't they? I estimate I may be ready/willing to return to work about the end of June 2013. That means I'll have had my nursing degree for a year and NOT USED IT. I'm extremely worried about how that will look on an application. And I really don't like thinking about all the knowledge and experience I'll be losing out on during that time. I didn't expect to feel this way. Not at all. I was really just focused on the baby part.
I spoke to several of my instructors about the situation and they have all reassured me that an employer likely won't hold a gap between licensure and employment against me. And I'm planning on working on Bachelor's classes in the meantime so that the blank on my resume won't be a complete blank. I just don't feel very reassured. One of my friends already has an interview, another is already employed at a hospital she worked at during nursing school. I am going to be sad while they all rack up nursing experience and I...am on bedrest with no guarantee of a take-home baby.
I guess, in a nutshell, I am wondering if I will ever get to have both my complete little family and the work life I've been pushing for for such a long time? Is it selfish and greedy of me to even dare to try having both? I feel really blessed by this pregnancy, but I am just dying to get some experience. I want my take-home baby and my first nursing job. Now, please. Every time I think about it right now I just feel frantic. About the whole thing. I really wish someone could give me a guarantee that I'll get this baby (in March, not sooner) and a good job that I love (when the time is right). Just writing it down feels like I'm asking for a lot. I really don't even feel right saying this stuff at all. I feel like I'll cause a miscarriage because I'm coming off as ungrateful or something. I just figured, better to brain dump it all here than blab loudly about it in real life. Probably just being quiet would be preferable to either of these options, but I'm not that great at quiet. I'll practice.
And before you ask, yes I know it's the damn hormones. In my defense I haven't had a true hormone surge of this nature in 6 years and I don't know what the heck to do. On a happier note, I don't think I dislike Jerry or the general population as much today as I did a few days ago.