If I were to find myself in a place where I could be completely
honest, I would never call myself a positive person. I wouldn't even
say cautiously optimistic. Or...I don't know, another word for a
happy, positive person. You know those people. The ones that just seem
to radiate happiness whenever they walk into a room.
It's
not that I desire to be that shiny. I really don't. I think a bit of
sarcasm/pessimism is refreshing when doled out in the right amount at
the right time. And a big helping, please. It's just that I find
myself feeling incapable of being positive or optimistic or hopeful.
And rather than improving my life it seems to be taking over and making
things a bit worse.
I know I've spoken here about
feeling like the merry-go-round just never stops spinning. Right now I
am feeling like my sudden change in career goals, the pregnancy and the
impending move to Nowhereville are all contributing to the spinning
feeling. I was 22 and then there was Matthew and then the Kiddo and
then the roller coaster of school and now all this, with a smattering of
many things in between--mothers who have heart attacks, parents who
divorce and quickly remarry strangers, father in laws that get cancer
and die.
I know life never promises to slow down so we can catch our breath.
But I don't like myself much these days and I'm sure there are those around me that don't appreciate it either.
So something is going to have to give.
I've decided that from now until March 2013, I am going to force myself
to find a place that is still and peaceful and tranquil. I know I can't
control everything, but I want to have a grip on how I respond to the
daily stresses. Call it an exercise in optimism, if you will. I want
to consciously change the way I process issues in my life. I'm going to
consciously take some big, deep breaths. I want to look into the
future without fear (well, less fear would be nice anyway).
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