Monday, March 19, 2012

Not The Best Day Ever

Today was...not great.  Realized it was Day 1 of my cycle less than an hour after I took a morning pregnancy test.  I really think I'm ok for the moment about nothing happening in the baby department this month.  Next month the window is in the middle of the week and Jerry will be 600 miles away, so obviously nothing will be happening.  But that gives me more time to get in better shape, get my nursing preceptorship underway, and charting BBTs simultaneously with using the predictors should give me a really detailed idea of when the window will occur in future months.  I realize that June is the optimal month for us to even begin Project Baby, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier to wait.  

On another subject, today was also not a good day relationship-wise.  Today, folks, was one of those days where you look at your partner and go, "Who the hell is this person and why did I pick him?"  I love him so much and I'm sure it will all work out, but it doesn't help when you have to argue on the phone and make up on the phone because you haven't seen each other in two weeks and counting.  

I chose to decompress by taking Kiddo to the mall and raiding Gy.mb.oree and The Childrens Place.  Little girl spring clothes are so delicious. Seven outfits and an oreo blizzard later, I felt better about the world.  I even refrained from touching the newborn clothes, although I did look at them from afar.  My daughter was in a particularly charming mood and had the salesgirls lining up to talk with her.  Her little 4.5 year old perspective on the world just makes my perspective so much lighter.  A few days ago she came prancing into the office dressed to-the-nines in pink puffy dress-up clothes, heels, a "veil," a plethora of bracelets, necklaces and rings.  And a pink sparkly wand.  She waved the wand between my face and the textbook I was staring down at and announced, "Mommy, I'm here to decorate your day."  Who could resist that?

All in all, I'm not in the worst place ever this year.  Last year at this time, I was in the worst place ever.  Last winter felt like a black hole that I would never find my way out of.  This year it just feels like sort of a grey hole.  I try to be okay with that.  It is almost April after all, and every year since 2006 this depression period has happened from about mid-January to April.  As I get closer to having to say, "My son would've been 3,4,5,6...."  it's just very difficult.  It's so far from where we once were, you know?  Another birthday that marks a million more precious moments that I will never get to witness.  I consider it progress that at least this year I've managed to recognize the grief for what it is instead of wondering what the hell is wrong with me. 

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