Sunday, March 18, 2012

Day 38

Seriously.  Day 38.  I have always had rather long cycles, but this is irritating me to no end.  I took a pregnancy test three days ago.  Negative.  Of course.  I absolutely refuse to test again.  Seeing one line every time just really pisses me off.  I'm starting to get the "just relax" type of advice.  And they're probably right.  And I know it's just ridiculous that I can't be patient.  But I can't.  I have to do the BBT charts.  I have to use the predictors.  I have to count the cycle days obsessively.  I have to endlessly wonder if I will ever get another baby.  Oh and rest assured, my complete psychosis does not limit itself to conception alone, there's the nonexistent pregnancy to worry about, followed by the ever present "What if something happens to the baby?" fear.  Compounded by the fact that it's almost April so memories of my lost child are extra present.  The following list is just a snippet of my obsessive worrying over cycle length

Current cycle:  38 days (and counting)
Previous cycles:  35, 30, 36, 38, 31 in that order

I have never had "trouble" trying to conceive in the past.  But I have always been terrified of it.  Thanks to a lovely quack of a doctor who diagnosed me with "infertility" when I was 18.  I keep forgetting to send him a card for that.  In nursing school, any discussion about betas or BBT charts, IVF, clomid gets me really excited.  I would love to work for a reproductive endocrinologist someday.  My troubles in maintaining a pregnancy have been...pretty intense.  I love when a couple that has been trying for forever finally gets their baby.  Yeah, I could get couples pregnant for a living.

Speaking of a couple who finally got their baby....Rebecca had her little girl yesterday!  Go over and congratulate her!  This woman is an IF veteran for sure and her story is just amazing.  I am praying that she is just basking in the glow of her healthy new daughter in the days to come. 

Other than this little fixation, things are great over here.  I am now officially in my last term of nursing school.  My regular clinicals (which usually consisted of me walking some 96 year old post bowel obstruction patient up and down the hallway for ten hours straight--good times) are over.  Over!  I am now busy getting my ICU/NICU preceptorship all arranged and trying to read up so I make less of an idiot out of myself when I get there.  I have no more skills exams before graduation.  Almost there! 

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