Not The Best Day Ever

Today was...not great.  Realized it was Day 1 of my cycle less than an hour after I took a morning pregnancy test.  I really think I'm ok for the moment about nothing happening in the baby department this month.  Next month the window is in the middle of the week and Jerry will be 600 miles away, so obviously nothing will be happening.  But that gives me more time to get in better shape, get my nursing preceptorship underway, and charting BBTs simultaneously with using the predictors should give me a really detailed idea of when the window will occur in future months.  I realize that June is the optimal month for us to even begin Project Baby, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier to wait.  

On another subject, today was also not a good day relationship-wise.  Today, folks, was one of those days where you look at your partner and go, "Who the hell is this person and why did I pick him?"  I love him so much and I'm sure it will all work out, but it doesn't help when you have to argue on the phone and make up on the phone because you haven't seen each other in two weeks and counting.  

I chose to decompress by taking Kiddo to the mall and raiding Gy.mb.oree and The Childrens Place.  Little girl spring clothes are so delicious. Seven outfits and an oreo blizzard later, I felt better about the world.  I even refrained from touching the newborn clothes, although I did look at them from afar.  My daughter was in a particularly charming mood and had the salesgirls lining up to talk with her.  Her little 4.5 year old perspective on the world just makes my perspective so much lighter.  A few days ago she came prancing into the office dressed to-the-nines in pink puffy dress-up clothes, heels, a "veil," a plethora of bracelets, necklaces and rings.  And a pink sparkly wand.  She waved the wand between my face and the textbook I was staring down at and announced, "Mommy, I'm here to decorate your day."  Who could resist that?

All in all, I'm not in the worst place ever this year.  Last year at this time, I was in the worst place ever.  Last winter felt like a black hole that I would never find my way out of.  This year it just feels like sort of a grey hole.  I try to be okay with that.  It is almost April after all, and every year since 2006 this depression period has happened from about mid-January to April.  As I get closer to having to say, "My son would've been 3,4,5,6...."  it's just very difficult.  It's so far from where we once were, you know?  Another birthday that marks a million more precious moments that I will never get to witness.  I consider it progress that at least this year I've managed to recognize the grief for what it is instead of wondering what the hell is wrong with me. 

Day 38

Seriously.  Day 38.  I have always had rather long cycles, but this is irritating me to no end.  I took a pregnancy test three days ago.  Negative.  Of course.  I absolutely refuse to test again.  Seeing one line every time just really pisses me off.  I'm starting to get the "just relax" type of advice.  And they're probably right.  And I know it's just ridiculous that I can't be patient.  But I can't.  I have to do the BBT charts.  I have to use the predictors.  I have to count the cycle days obsessively.  I have to endlessly wonder if I will ever get another baby.  Oh and rest assured, my complete psychosis does not limit itself to conception alone, there's the nonexistent pregnancy to worry about, followed by the ever present "What if something happens to the baby?" fear.  Compounded by the fact that it's almost April so memories of my lost child are extra present.  The following list is just a snippet of my obsessive worrying over cycle length

Current cycle:  38 days (and counting)

Previous cycles:  35, 30, 36, 38, 31 in that order

I have never had "trouble" trying to conceive in the past.  But I have always been terrified of it.  Thanks to a lovely quack of a doctor who diagnosed me with "infertility" when I was 18.  I keep forgetting to send him a card for that.  In nursing school, any discussion about betas or BBT charts, IVF, clomid gets me really excited.  I would love to work for a reproductive endocrinologist someday.  My troubles in maintaining a pregnancy have been...pretty intense.  I love when a couple that has been trying for forever finally gets their baby.  Yeah, I could get couples pregnant for a living.

Speaking of a couple who finally got their baby....Rebecca had her little girl yesterday!  Go over and congratulate her!  This woman is an IF veteran for sure and her story is just amazing.  I am praying that she is just basking in the glow of her healthy new daughter in the days to come. 

Other than this little fixation, things are great over here.  I am now officially in my last term of nursing school.  My regular clinicals (which usually consisted of me walking some 96 year old post bowel obstruction patient up and down the hallway for ten hours straight--good times) are over.  Over!  I am now busy getting my ICU/NICU preceptorship all arranged and trying to read up so I make less of an idiot out of myself when I get there.  I have no more skills exams before graduation.  Almost there! 

Spring Break Reading List

As is my usual way with vacation reading lists, I must insert a disclaimer here:  I frequently do not get to all of the books on the list.  I am just a big dreamer.  

1.  The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot

I have been looking forward to this one for a long time.  It's sort of a cross between The Help and...something else.  Lots of science and complicated family ties mixed in. 

via Amazon

2.  Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

If you haven't read these, you are missing out.  I have read and reread this book and its many sequels over the years.  Books do not get any better than this.

via Amazon

3.  Paint it Black by Janet Fitch

Ever read White Oleander?  Same author, hoping for the same great stuff.  For me, it's usually a pretty safe bet.

via Amazon

4.  The Fastest Way to Get Pregnant Naturally by Christopher Williams, M.D.

I don't think this one requires an explanation, but I would like to note here that I have had to purchase this book twice.  Why, you may ask?  Because I got rid of it in that hazy place shortly after giving birth when you think you will never be in this type of situation again. Right.

via Amazon