Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Missing My Boys

I feel very alone today.  The Man got a call this morning from a company that has been offering him employment for a year or so, and in light of yesterday's revelations regarding his current job, he accepted.  The problem?  The job travels a lot and we don't know how permanent the job is.  I don't know how permanent we want the job to be.  He had to leave today, which means he will be out of town and I will be alone on Sunday.  Matthew's birthday.  I want him to have the chance to get out of his awful job, but I am terrified that I will crumble without him.  I've been pretty emotionally unstable these past few months and he has been my rock.  My school/work/life schedule is also insane and I'm not sure that the delicate system won't fall apart without him.  Today I had to sign up for a back-up daycare, to be used when I have to be at class earlier then the kiddo's regular daycare opens.  I never thought she would even have to go to ONE daycare let alone two.  In addition to this, there is still one day a week that I have to beg my mom to help out, and I will also be begging for her help when I work every other weekend.  It's so cheesy and ridiculous to say, but he is my best friend, sometimes my only friend.  Even when we bicker, even when we fight. 

Major accomplishment for the day:  loading the dishwasher.  Also had a curious internal discussion with myself regarding my period.  It showed up this morning.  I've been pretty clear with everyone I know about how badly we want another baby, but we are not even remotely TTC.  I am on the pill for goodness sakes.  I know the period is gonna show up.  I know when it's gonna show up.  Yet when it shows up, I am disappointed and sad.  Hello self! It's supposed to show up.  I keep hoping for another birth control slip up.  I don't know how I ever managed to get pregnant by a birth control operator error the first time, and I am on the pill now for a reason, people.  Still, my heart and uterus don't seem to understand what my head does.  I keep telling myself:  one more year, one more year.  It doesn't help that my OB rotation that was scheduled for tomorrow got moved.  I was going to get a baby fix to take the edge off, but no such luck.  Maybe I should start a countdown to birth control discontinuation on my blog...

 I am contemplating adding to my memorial tattoo in honor of Matthew's 5th birthday. I have been wanting to have his little hand prints inked for some time, and Sunday may be the day to do it.  More to come....

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