Thursday, November 17, 2011

It's Not You... It's Me

After my appointment with an ear-nose-throat specialist the other day I was forced to scrutinize my place in this world.  Basically....I am officially crazy.  Well, not crazy.  I'm told that crazy people don't usually know they are crazy.  The latest doctor stuck a scope down my nose (Yes.  Fun.), saw nothing at all, and asked me how my anxiety levels were faring.  Umm...I didn't know what to say.  I honestly to tell him my life story thus far.  Essentially, I admitted to experiencing some elevation in anxiety levels "every so often" and we then moved on to discuss more of the reflux/allergies theory, which is the only remaining explanation for the lump in my throat besides anxiety.  The plan right now is to continue my current meds for awhile (Disregarding the fact that I want to get pregnant, of course.  I guess I'll just put that on hold.  Right.) and see what happens.  

Which brings me to a spot in my life where I need to reevaluate how I am coping.  I felt pretty strongly that the fact that the lump would.not.budge. no matter what my stress level was on any given day was evidence that this was a physical problem.  Now I am being forced to consider that my emotions/grief/stress levels could actually be making me physically ill.  I've always been someone that my friends and family (mostly) look at as a picture of "coping well with loss." I am.  Maybe not coping so well.  Not just with the loss of my child, but with life in general.  I feel myself slipping a little in school, and with Jerry gone it has been a little rough.  My mother is my only other family member in town....and although she is a good grandmother, she isn't capable of being a strong support system.  So I'm alone a lot.  And being the Head Problem Solver takes its toll.  And nursing school is just killing me.

My stress management techniques are not healthy ones.  I feel angry more often than I'd like.  I feel anxious more often than I'd like.   I (rightfully) make my daughter my priority, but I need to make sure I am taking care of myself too.  I've always just thought that if she's ok it doesn't matter how I am. I mostly still think this is true, but I can't make her the priority if I am falling apart at the seems.  All this "stuff" seems to be getting to a point that it's affecting my health.  I have a personal goal of living until my kid(s) are grown.  Lately I think that maybe I should try medication.  The problem is I haven't really tried very hard to make the positive lifestyle changes I need to make before I would be comfortable turning to medication. 

This means I need to actually make these positive changes.  I need to take life as it comes and deal with it the best I can.  Starting with finals.  Failing that, I'm going to need some strong medication. 

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