I've had some trouble writing about this. I feel like if I verbalize these fears, then something awful will happen to me. Like I'm jinxing it or something. Ignore it and it will go away. I have to have my throat and stomach scoped on Tuesday. Since July, I've had this strange sensation of having a lump in the back of my throat. I ignored it. Then the heartburn started. Severe and constant heartburn, completely unresponsive to any medication I threw at it or any dietary changes I made. I've never had heartburn so this is not normal for me. And since I'm a student, you can safely assume that my health insurance is not good. This has been producing some pretty severe anxiety over the last several months. I finally went to my regular doctor last week and she ordered exactly what I predicted she would: an EGD. Great. At this point I am scared enough to not care about the money, but I have been Googling myself into panic attacks on a pretty much daily basis over this. And all medical googling of symptoms ends with one nasty word: cancer. Ugh. For me, this heightens my fertility fears considerably. Chemotherapy would fry my ovaries. Therefore, I would have to find some way to freeze eggs before I could receive treatment. Since I can barely afford this procedure, freezing embryos is considerably out of our financial reach. And dear God, what if I don't get to be around to help my little girl grow up? Jerry is a spectacular father, but he doesn't really know what he's doing when it comes to little girls. And I do not have a family member I would like to see raising my daughter. Also, pretty much any medication a doctor would prescribe for this undiagnosed condition of mine is not a medication I want to conceive on or be pregnant while taking. And it's almost time to TTC again. I really don't care if it says Category B in my drug book; one lost child and none of that matters. And so on... In my more reality-based frame of mind, I am betting I've got myself an ulcer. I will hold off on my philosophical discussion of the things in my life that may have caused an ulcer until I officially have an ulcer.