Saturday, October 29, 2011

Jerry's Home!

I've had some trouble writing about this.  I feel like if I verbalize these fears, then something awful will happen to me.  Like I'm jinxing it or something.  Ignore it and it will go away.  I have to have my throat and stomach scoped on Tuesday.  Since July, I've had this strange sensation of having a lump in the back of my throat.  I ignored it.  Then the heartburn started.  Severe and constant heartburn, completely unresponsive to any medication I threw at it or any dietary changes I made.  I've never had heartburn so this is not normal for me.  And since I'm a student, you can safely assume that my health insurance is not good.  This has been producing some pretty severe anxiety over the last several months.  I finally went to my regular doctor last week and she ordered exactly what I predicted she would:  an EGD.  Great.  At this point I am scared enough to not care about the money, but I have been Googling myself into panic attacks on a pretty much daily basis over this.  And all medical googling of symptoms ends with one nasty word:  cancer.  Ugh.  For me, this heightens my fertility fears considerably.  Chemotherapy would fry my ovaries.  Therefore, I would have to find some way to freeze eggs before I could receive treatment.  Since I can barely afford this procedure, freezing embryos is considerably out of our financial reach.  And dear God, what if I don't get to be around to help my little girl grow up?  Jerry is a spectacular father, but he doesn't really know what he's doing when it comes to little girls.  And I do not have a family member I would like to see raising my daughter.  Also, pretty much any medication a doctor would prescribe for this undiagnosed condition of mine is not a medication I want to conceive  on or be pregnant while taking.  And it's almost time to TTC again.  I really don't care if it says Category B in my drug book; one lost child and none of that matters.  And so on...  In my more reality-based frame of mind, I am betting I've got myself an ulcer.  I will hold off on my philosophical discussion of the things in my life that may have caused an ulcer until I officially have an ulcer.

The school year has fortunately been a lot gentler on me than last year was because between my health and Jerry being in North Dakota, other areas of my life have been a challenge to make it through.  I've just finished up midterm week and am taking a weekend off from studying because Jerry is finally home.  We went five weeks without seeing each other this time.  I was starting to forget what he looked like.  And we are both so sick of the phone.  I am so very glad to have him home, even though it's only for a few days.  I am halfway through the semester at school, and I have nearly the whole month of December off so we are getting through.  Just trying to soak up some time with my guy.  I even had the time to do a full-course, from-scratch dinner tonight.  The four-year-old doesn't really appreciate my culinary talents so it's nice to have the Man around. 


  1. I'm glad Jerry's home, and I hope you two had a fantastic weekend together!

    I won't tell you not to Google, because I would be the pot calling the kettle black. :-) What I will say is that I had heartburn/stomach issues for several months starting about 6 months after I graduated from college. A gastroenterologist did an EGD and couldn't find anything.

    He gave me some medications to take, but they had side effects (made me feel really loopy), so after not too long I stopped taking them. And eventually, thankfully, the issue just went away on its own. I've been amazed over the years at how stress can manifest itself through so many different kinds of physical symptoms. You've been under a lot of stress for a while now, so I hope that's all it is and the EGD is able to reassure you.

  2. So great to read that Jerry is home! I hope you have an ulcer!? (or better yet, maybe it is nothing). Take care.