Jerry's Home!

I've had some trouble writing about this.  I feel like if I verbalize these fears, then something awful will happen to me.  Like I'm jinxing it or something.  Ignore it and it will go away.  I have to have my throat and stomach scoped on Tuesday.  Since July, I've had this strange sensation of having a lump in the back of my throat.  I ignored it.  Then the heartburn started.  Severe and constant heartburn, completely unresponsive to any medication I threw at it or any dietary changes I made.  I've never had heartburn so this is not normal for me.  And since I'm a student, you can safely assume that my health insurance is not good.  This has been producing some pretty severe anxiety over the last several months.  I finally went to my regular doctor last week and she ordered exactly what I predicted she would:  an EGD.  Great.  At this point I am scared enough to not care about the money, but I have been Googling myself into panic attacks on a pretty much daily basis over this.  And all medical googling of symptoms ends with one nasty word:  cancer.  Ugh.  For me, this heightens my fertility fears considerably.  Chemotherapy would fry my ovaries.  Therefore, I would have to find some way to freeze eggs before I could receive treatment.  Since I can barely afford this procedure, freezing embryos is considerably out of our financial reach.  And dear God, what if I don't get to be around to help my little girl grow up?  Jerry is a spectacular father, but he doesn't really know what he's doing when it comes to little girls.  And I do not have a family member I would like to see raising my daughter.  Also, pretty much any medication a doctor would prescribe for this undiagnosed condition of mine is not a medication I want to conceive  on or be pregnant while taking.  And it's almost time to TTC again.  I really don't care if it says Category B in my drug book; one lost child and none of that matters.  And so on...  In my more reality-based frame of mind, I am betting I've got myself an ulcer.  I will hold off on my philosophical discussion of the things in my life that may have caused an ulcer until I officially have an ulcer.

The school year has fortunately been a lot gentler on me than last year was because between my health and Jerry being in North Dakota, other areas of my life have been a challenge to make it through.  I've just finished up midterm week and am taking a weekend off from studying because Jerry is finally home.  We went five weeks without seeing each other this time.  I was starting to forget what he looked like.  And we are both so sick of the phone.  I am so very glad to have him home, even though it's only for a few days.  I am halfway through the semester at school, and I have nearly the whole month of December off so we are getting through.  Just trying to soak up some time with my guy.  I even had the time to do a full-course, from-scratch dinner tonight.  The four-year-old doesn't really appreciate my culinary talents so it's nice to have the Man around.