Tuesday, February 5, 2013

33 Weeks and 1 Day

Still here.  Still pregnant.

Please allow me to stick a disclaimer on this post before I rant.  I am glad, grateful beyond measure, that it is looking like my baby may stay in until I reach full term. I know it's a great thing.  I am not wishing for an early delivery in any way, shape, or form.  I am wishing for a life remote with a fast-forward button.  Is that so much to ask?

I am so frustrated with the way things are right now.  I am so tired of everyone around me having babies and heading home while I am most likely stuck here for another 6 weeks.  I know, 6 weeks probably doesn't sound like long to wait.  But it can last forever.  

You know those women who are all, "My body was made for this; my body knows what to do" when they are pregnant/in labor?  Yeah.  My body has no idea what it's supposed to do.  I don't want to complain too loudly about it right now (my body might hear me and unleash something truly horrible on me).  I'm just terrified because 6 weeks is a pretty large window of time for my body to think up a really fun stunt to pull.  

I know my body has carried him this far.  I know he's in there.  I know 6 weeks is just the blink of an eye compared to how long we've waited to have this little guy.  I know a baby is going to come out at some point and this won't actually go on for forever.  It just feels like it. 

I just have no reassurance that there is a happy ending at the end of this story.  I wish I had more faith.  I wish I could have just a snapshot of my little family 6 weeks and 1 day from now.  That's all it would take to get me through.

I'm not sick of being pregnant.  I'm not completely miserable in the physical sense.  I'm completely emotionally miserable and I've had more comfortable physical periods of my life if I'm being honest.   All of this is manageable, though. 

It's the immensity of trying to get through the next 6 weeks.  I miss my dogs. I want to go home.  I have things to do at home.  I don't like staying here at the little hospital "half-way" house where I have to socialize with people who are staying for 3 days before they deliver while I am stuck for 6 weeks. Or worse, the moms with babies in the NICU who have no idea I've been in their shoes before.  They look at me like the sight of my pregnant belly is causing them pain.

 I don't like staying in the city during the week and only seeing Jerry on the weekends.  We just did 15 months of this long-distance crap.  We don't want to be apart again, even though it's a much milder version and a shorter time frame.  We barely made it through the last long distance period.  Having to consistently go over a month (sometimes almost 2 months) without seeing each other can really tear you up. 

You know when you have one of those days and you have to reach deep into your little pot of optimism to pull out some hope to get you through?  My pot's been low for such a long time.  I hope I have enough left to get me through 6 more weeks.  Until I can refill.

1 comment:

  1. Oh that sounds rotten. I hope things get easier for you, and that you stay safely pregnant these last few weeks