6 Weeks

I still feel a little ridiculous writing a pregnancy post at this stage.  Obviously any number of things could go wrong at any given time.  I mean, I walk around wearing a panty liner all day long because I am really terrified and I don't count my babies before they hatch, as they say.  

Yet...you never know.  This may be my last pregnancy.  And I definitely look back on my daughter's pregnancy and infant days and wish I had documented a bit more.  I don't want to look back on this and wish I'd marked the occasions a bit more accurately.

As far as symptoms go, I've had it pretty easy so far.  Enough to feel pregnant, but not enough to make me miserable.  Really really sore boobs.  Some morning nausea that passes quickly.  Some extra sleepiness.  Nothing too serious.

However.

I would like to announce that I pretty much dislike everyone I know or have recently come into contact with.  "Dislike" is my nice word for it.  I think I may be slightly out of bounds but I just can't stop it.  And the main target of my dislike?  His name is Jerry.  I have previously referred to him here under such endearing terms as Prince Charming and The Love of My Life.  Not these days folks.  Now before you start feeling all sorry for him, just stop.  I haven't hurt him yet.  I just don't like him right now.  I love him still.  I just really don't like him.  Comprende?  Good.  I just don't understand how I can be 7 years into a relationship with this man (and our 3rd pregnancy) and still have failed to rid him of any of his bad/extremely annoying habits.  I mean, he behaves exactly the same way no matter how much breath I waste begging, yelling, pleading, nagging, gently reminding, or screeching at him to alter the behavior or attitude.  It's just the usual things that always annoy me-- except now they are driving me absolutely insane.  I know it's hormones.  I know they could potentially be making me a little crazy.  But why doesn't he realize this and alter the behavior to save himself? 

Disclaimer:  Please do not think I am a terrible person for complaining about him on my blog.  Jerry doesn't read here often, so I am assuming that if he does it will be a long time from now and we'll have a good laugh about it.  But trust me, I've already said this all to him.  He knows.  

Also, I'm apparently a crier now.  Crying isn't something I approve of.  It's fine for other people, but I prefer bad moods and rage to crying.  Yet, I cry.  

On a brighter, less hormonal note I am trying to soak up the last days of the Kiddo being an only child.  Soon the attention will be divided, but for now it's still all hers.  She is getting so big.  I know she will be a great big sister, but I am braced for a rough transition.  

A Registered Nurse Wrote this Post

I am so relieved to be able to say that today I officially joined the ranks of Registered Nurses.  My three friends and I road tripped up to our testing sight last night, suffered through restlessness and insomnia into the early hours of this morning and then took our NCLEX-RN exams.  The test wasn't very fun.  We weren't expecting to find out if we passed or failed until at least tomorrow, but by the time we drove the two hours home there were copies of 4 nursing licenses in our inboxes.  I was so excited that all four of us passed.  We were a tight-knit group all the way since pre-nursing and it just brings tears of happiness to my eyes to know we made it through together.  All the way to NCLEX and beyond. 

In other news, I am currently at 5 weeks 3 days.  I want to do a weekly pregnancy post this time around, so hopefully I'll get one up soon.  I feel a bit ridiculous posting about an embryo the size of a sesame seed (or a flea, but sesame seeds are cuter, right?) but I am trying to go for some subform of optimism and hope here so...I will try. 

Well...

I don't have anything intelligent to say today.  Just trying to get studying done for nursing boards on Thursday and failing miserably at meeting my goals for hours of studying to squeeze in every day.  But this morning, this happened:

To paint myself in a somewhat sane light, I have declined to include the four other tests that I have taken today because, well, I think you get the gist.  All day long I've been like "Wanna see me do a trick?" and going into the bathroom to watch the line appear again.  I really didn't expect a test to be positive at all.  I was resigned to it.  I had even made an August appointment to see what the heck was going on. I was just doing my usual two week wait routine where I imagine pregnancy symptoms and obsess about every little twinge, so I decided to take a test just so I could be like, "See Crazy?  Now stop thinking about it and study!"  So it would seem that this time the symptoms are not imagined.

I'm really just feeling kind of numb.  I mean, that's a ridiculously dark line considering I'm not even late, right?  I really hope there's not four in there.  Obviously I am super hopeful that this will end well, but I'm freaking terrified.  More than anything else, just terrified. 

If by some miniscule chance you know me in real life, please kindly keep your trap shut for the time being.  We have no desire for the news to be known for MANY weeks to come.  I feel comfortable telling here, but I am just not up for the out loud "Congratulations!" and other such mish mosh just yet.  Let's just see...

NCLEX is Coming

I am officially scheduled to take my nursing boards on July 26th.  I'm freaking terrified and trying to squeeze in every last second of studying that I possibly can.  Hopefully, I can pull this off in one attempt.  My three closest friends from school were also magically able to schedule on the same day so I am excited that we all get to go together.  We are planning to make the trip up to the testing center the night before and stay in the same hotel.  This is the mother of all nursing tests so the pressure is on right now. 

Reproductive Compensation

I read an interesting article recently, written by several folks with psych degrees.  The article discussed in excessive detail, the phenomenon of Reproductive Compensation.  If you have never heard this term before (and I had not), it is essentially what happens when a woman loses a child and thus craves babies.  She "compensates" by having as many children as she can forever after.  Even more entertaining though, is the reason why I googled the term in the first place. During the horrific NICU portion of my preceptorship (I still have a nice long ranting post in my draft box on that subject--waiting for a rainy day when I feel like posting it) I overheard two nurses gossiping about why a woman who had had several problem pregnancies and several preemies in the NICU (including one that one of the nurses was currently caring for) would continue to have babies even though it wasn't recommended.  Her prior child loss came up, and one of the nurses suggested Reproductive Compensation as a possible explanation for this woman's "idiocy".  The details of this conversation still rub me the wrong way.  As a nursing student, I definitely overheard many a rude conversation about patients and probably had a couple myself.  These nurses were pretty awful, though, and the conversation was both inappropriate and none of their business. 

I honestly don't know if I should find this term insulting or give myself over to the truth of it.  The truth is, I do crave babies.  I crave them the way a drug addict craves the next high.  My daughter was fresh from the womb and I was already planning the next one.  The moment my son was born, with all of the horribleness of that day, I knew there would be more children.  There would have to be.  Do I have it under control?  Yes.  I would say I do, as evidenced by the fact that I was able to see the wisdom of completing (well, completion was in sight, anyway) my nursing degree prior to embarking on another pregnancy.  Yet I am one of those women the nurses were talking about and I always will be.  To get pregnant again is to put myself in danger.  I prefer to think of it as a small risk with a large return, but the truth is it's a risk all the same.  It is insulting to have people contemplating the "idiocy" of women like myself who throw caution to the wind and dare to get knocked up.  Who work damn hard to get knocked up and stay that way.  And I greatly resent the implication that I was having another child to "replace" the one I lost.  Like I haven't realized that no matter how many more babies show up, my son never will.  Um...I realize this Evil Nurses and Psychiatrists. 

I have been off the pill for about 15 months.  Up until December I was kind of like, "Oh well, if it happens it'll be a fun surprise."  I sorta thought it would happen by happy accident, but it didn't.  Since December we were more like, "It would be nice if this would happen anytime...." But we weren't always on the same side of the state during prime days.  So now it's July and we have abandoned all pretenses of patience.  Waiting really sucks.  Not knowing really sucks.  The fear and uncertainty really sucks.  I'm annoyed because for us the real work has always been staying pregnant not getting pregnant.  I'm not too excited about the possibility that I'm going to have to work at both.  Ick.  

My whole life feels like a waiting game right now.

Don't Forget the Damn Pickles!

I think it's time I faced up to it.  I...am completely absentminded.  Always have been.  I forget things constantly.  Constantly.  I may have early-onset Alzheimer's.  I stare off into space and forget what I was doing.  If I open a book, I do not hear anything anyone tries to say to me.  I stick my phone somewhere specific so I know where it is, then proceed to leave the room and lose it.  I enter rooms and forget what I came in for.  The Kiddo asks me for something and I will say "yes" and immediately forget about it only to have her come up to me twenty minutes later all indignant because I've forgotten to get it for her.  Jerry does this too but it's not nearly as cute.

When I was a young lass, it was usually good for a laugh and only a mild inconvenience.  I think it got much worse when I started trying to reproduce.  Ever hear of "pregnancy brain?"  I'm pretty sure I still have it.  I can't remember anything.

Today I had to drive 30 miles to get to the nearest grocery store.  I am not used to this at all.  I am used to populated areas with a variety of stores.  So trips to the store now require planning.  I make a list.  I always make a list.  Kiddo and I head to the store.  During my drive I remember that I forgot to put pickles on the list.  "I'll add it to my list when I get there," I think to myself.  We arrive at the store.  I do not remember to put pickles on the list.  After several minutes of wandering the aisles I remember that I need pickles and I did not put them on the list.  "Surely I won't forget the pickles," I think to myself.  No need to add them to the list when I'm already in the store and obviously know what I'm here for.  Then we are standing in the checkout line and I realize that I did not get the pickles.  Or the celery and the eggs.  No matter.  I decide I will stop by the tiny local grocery store after we drive back and grab the items I missed. No big deal.  Kiddo and I drive the 30 miles back to this sorry excuse for civilization, and swing by the gas station sized "grocery store" that is a few blocks from the house.  We get home, unpack the groceries, and start dinner.  I am midway through cooking when I realize I did not get the pickles.  I end up calling Jerry and sweet-talking him into stopping on the way home from work to buy pickles.  

This folks, is not the first time such a thing has happened to me.  The concerning part of this is that I have to take a little test in the next few weeks.  You know, just my nursing boards.  No big deal.  I haven't gotten much studying accomplished in the weeks since graduation, and I'm pretty sure I've forgotten it all.  My practice test scores seem to be corroborating this theory too.  I have a sneaking suspicion I didn't know much to begin with and now I've forgotten it all. 

And in the bigger picture, I'm pretty sure this absentmindedness puts me at a high risk of accidentally killing someone at work.  You know, as in, "Oh, I don't need to check the medications again because I already looked them over when I was getting them ready."  Right.  I will ALWAYS be triple checking my medication orders for this very reason.  I have a personal goal of never being responsible for a patient's demise. 

I'm gonna go study now.