Tuesday, May 22, 2012

In Lieu of Lorazepam: A Whiny Post

Still plugging along over here.  School, true to Nursing School From Hell form, continues to be a stressful, anxiety-producing pain in the ass right up to the bitter end.  I'm terrified.  And my jaw hurts because I am walking around all clenched all the time.  Even when I sleep.  I'm fantasizing about lorazepam. Or any heavy sedative really.  I'm not picky.  

Also, I pretty much hate everybody right now.  Classmates, family, extremely tolerant fiance who doesn't deserve an extra ration of my crap, etc. Pretty much any human being who attempts to interact with me. I still like the Kiddo (and have tons of mommy guilt).  And the dogs.  The dogs are ok.  

I have one large, obnoxious, paper left to write.  One.  You'd think I'd be encouraged, bolstered by the fact that it's the  But no.  Instead I have a crippling case of writer's block and have written 3/4 of a page of text in the last 5 days.  On Friday, I start my last marathon run of 12 hour shifts.  It's not going to be pretty.  So I have 2 days to write a paper.  Typing that just made me a little nauseous.  

If it helps, I absolutely know I sound whiny and obnoxious.  I do.  It's's been so many years since I have felt free from pressure.  Since my first innocent stab at nursing school back in 2006.  It's been grief and pregnancy worries, then baby worries--all topped off by the crushing pressure I've felt to go back to school, then get good grades, get accepted to a nursing program, and finally...three years at the Nursing School From Hell (was I supposed to capitalize From?  I don't think so).  The truth is, I have always had a sinking feeling that something, SOMETHING will get messed up and I won't get to graduate from nursing school. I have such a hard time believing things will be ok.  Believing in anything some days. And often life cooperates with my suspicions and throws crap at me.  So...I continue to be an anxious wreck.  Its 2.5 weeks to graduation.  Announcements have been sent.  Family is coming.  I want to be done.  I am craving the pressure relief I anticipate feeling when I know it's over.  I have so much time and emotions tied up in this thing.  I just need it to turn out ok.  I wish I felt secure and like I could just glide through these last days, but the potent combination of the Nursing School From Hell and my own obstacles has made gliding impossible. So I'm whining.  And an anxious wreck.  And once again using my blog as a place to dump my emotional baggage. 

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