Yesterday I failed. At life. The day started off with a bang, with a huge debate over whether I should drop the extra class that is due to start on Monday. Do I have too much on my plate? Am I doing enough? It was pretty intense and I felt myself getting frustrated by the fact that I'm in these classes in the first place. Because they are stupid and expensive and a huge time suck. The kids were scheduled to get their pictures taken so there was a fair amount of rushing involved. Then I get pulled over on the way out of town--going 74 in a 70. The officer let me off with a warning, but I was irritated that he had pulled me over in the first place and then proceeded to take 15 minutes to do his paperwork. I was irritated with myself for not paying closer attention to the speedometer. When we arrived at the studio, Roo's hair had come undone in the car. And Tanner didn't want to be put down. Roo kept asking if she was done. Neither child wanted to cooperate. We left and got halfway home before I remembered that I needed to stop at the grocery store. By the time I got home I was so frazzled I thought I was going to explode.
Roo had extra days off school this week, and I had wanted to go back home. It has been over a year since I've been back, but I decided I was better off staying home and getting things in order (we still haven't unpacked the boxes in the garage). Yesterday I was so frustrated and stressed and just worked up in general that it wasn't until bedtime that I remembered that a year ago there was only ONE child to photograph. A year ago, we did Roo's holiday portraits and I was just praying I'd have a baby to get pictures of this year. And guess what? My wish came true. And I couldn't even find a moment in my day to pause and acknowledge that.
Things have been so frazzled lately. My job frustrations and trying to adjust to having moved twice in 10 months have taken their toll. Have I mentioned that Roo is having a bit of trouble in Kindergarten? Or that Tanner has decided to NEVER sleep for the last 6 weeks or so?
Today I decided not to suck at life. Jerry had to work this weekend, so the kiddos and I packed our bags and took off for parts unknown. There's a museum about 4 hours from home that I've wanted to take Roo to for a few years now. We drove down, grabbed a hotel, and did the museum. Now I'm stretched out in a King-sized bed with both of them tucked in beside me. They swam their little fins off and passed out the second we laid down to watch a movie.
I don't know how to describe how trapped I've felt by our relocation. I never wanted to live in a small town, and although I wouldn't consider myself a super outdoorsy person, I miss the mountains much more than I would have thought. Tonight I sat on my hotel balcony and watched the sun set behind the mountains for the first time in a year. I thought about how Tanner's never been this close to the place Jerry and I come from. I never imagined my children would grow up in a different location than I did.
I feel sane again tonight. I know I'll pay in the upcoming week for the things I didn't get done this weekend, but I think a deliberate slow-down was worth it.