Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Anxiety r/t Everything AEB Mood Swings, Insomnia, and Feelings of Powerlessness

I...have an anxiety problem.  Some of this I can blame on my hectic lifestyle, my past experiences, my personality.  But some of it is inherited.  There's a direct chain of this phenotype down through the generations of women in my family.  Grandma spends her life in a medicated state; mother had a stress-induced heart attack 5 years ago.  And I use my anxiety as a weapon to propel me through life.  In many ways, this is a useful mechanism.  I study way harder because the fear of failure is always hanging over me.  I can accomplish in a few hours, tasks it would take someone else days to do.  Angelina Jolie has a tattoo somewhere on her person that says, "What nourishes me also destroys me."  I have been thinking a lot about just how true this statement really is.  My anxiety, my relationship, my grief process since my son died, parenting my child, and my drive to become a NICU nurse are all aspects of myself that keep me alive and eat me alive all at once some days.  I am one of those people who never feels like she fits anywhere or measures up to what she should be.  I always fall far short of the life I envision for myself and sometimes I subject my family to those expectations as well.

So what's a girl to do?  Medication?  I can't be too relaxed and lose my grip on my busy life.  I also can't have another baby while on these medications.  Counseling?  I've never seen anyone in my life benefit a whole lot from it.  Deep breathing exercises?  Progressive relaxation techniques?  Church?  I'm not sure which way to go, but I don't feel healthy and I'm worried that it might be a result of my persistantly-oscillating-at-a-high-frequency state of being.  I really can't pinpoint any one cause for why I'm this way; it just is.  I don't want my daughter to live her life this way.  I don't want to live my life this way. 

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