I...have an anxiety problem. Some of this I can blame on my hectic lifestyle, my past experiences, my personality. But some of it is inherited. There's a direct chain of this phenotype down through the generations of women in my family. Grandma spends her life in a medicated state; mother had a stress-induced heart attack 5 years ago. And I use my anxiety as a weapon to propel me through life. In many ways, this is a useful mechanism. I study way harder because the fear of failure is always hanging over me. I can accomplish in a few hours, tasks it would take someone else days to do. Angelina Jolie has a tattoo somewhere on her person that says, "What nourishes me also destroys me." I have been thinking a lot about just how true this statement really is. My anxiety, my relationship, my grief process since my son died, parenting my child, and my drive to become a NICU nurse are all aspects of myself that keep me alive and eat me alive all at once some days. I am one of those people who never feels like she fits anywhere or measures up to what she should be. I always fall far short of the life I envision for myself and sometimes I subject my family to those expectations as well.
So what's a girl to do? Medication? I can't be too relaxed and lose my grip on my busy life. I also can't have another baby while on these medications. Counseling? I've never seen anyone in my life benefit a whole lot from it. Deep breathing exercises? Progressive relaxation techniques? Church? I'm not sure which way to go, but I don't feel healthy and I'm worried that it might be a result of my persistantly-oscillating-at-a-high-frequency state of being. I really can't pinpoint any one cause for why I'm this way; it just is. I don't want my daughter to live her life this way. I don't want to live my life this way.