A New Year's Vow

I've been blogging for a year now (Yes, I love it) and in that time I have explored probably a few thousand blogs.  I love stumbling on a great new blog to read when I wasn't even looking for a great new blog to read.  I love that whenever I am feeling anxious or sad or overwhelmed--guess what?!  There's a blog for that!  Maybe it's just me and I am just not looking in the right place, but I've noticed that people never seem to discuss financial woes in the blogging world.  Maybe it just doesn't make for interesting reading.  Maybe it's for privacy reasons.  Maybe people just don't want to project themselves on their blogs as people who have real problems, financial problems.  I have followed along this line of thinking on my own blog.  I don't even want to think about my financial problems, let alone write about them and open them up for discussion with the world.  I started this blog as an outlet in my ongoing journey of loss.  That's still what I want this place to be.  A place where I am Matthew's Mommy.  I just don't have many of those places, and I'm sure there are many people out there who understand that.  And yet... I find that daily events are often what's on my mind and I don't always bring them here for discussion. 

As some of you may know, I had originally started nursing school before I got pregnant with Matthew.  I left in the disaster pregnancy/child loss aftermath.  Crawling my way back through nursing school has been a major challenge for me.  On this journey I have had to face up to many things about my life and myself.  I've learned that I can't always separate one element of my life from another.  I thought I could leave my grief tucked away in a neat little drawer and go trooping back to nursing school.  Oh, how wrong I was.  Instead I was introduced to the most severe series of  PTSD flashbacks I have ever experienced.  You know...."Five years ago right now I was a 22 year old nursing student with no idea what was about to happen to me."  "Five years ago right now I thought unplanned pregnancy was my biggest obstacle."  "Five years ago right now..."  What a fun game.  I have played this game to some degree since Matthew was born.  "One year ago, I hadn't even met Jerry, hadn't even been accepted into nursing school, didn't have a clue what was going to happen in just a few short months." Because it was (and still is) absolutely shocking to me.  Biggest bitch slap ever. It was like I was just walking along and all of a sudden the ground wasn't there anymore and I was falling.  I wouldn't say I "hit rock bottom" because even today I am not always sure that the fall ever ended.  Often the time that has passed since 2006 has felt like one never-ending fall into chaos for me.  Chaos that I have very little control over.  So I was no stranger to the PTSD flashback, but nursing school brought on a very intense version of this game that I just hadn't anticipated and wasn't prepared for.  In hindsight....Duh.  Of course I was going to have some issues and obstacles to overcome.  I  vastly underestimated the impact these obstacles and issues were going to have on my life and thus was unprepared for the onslaught of emotional meltdown type of behaviors that piled down on me. Live and Learn.

I think I've been pretty open here about what an emotional mess I am.  So brace yourself because I am about to unleash even more honesty.  I (We) am also a financial disaster.  If you have ever pictured me sitting in my three story house eating bon bons while I write I am about to change all that.  I live in a trailer.  I know some people like to say "mobile home" these days, but trust me.  It's a trailer. My couch is so old it is a true horror to behold.  I have massive debt.  Massive unmanaged debt.  I rarely worry about identity theft because there is nothing to steal (so that's something, right?). 

 Lest you think I am a societal delinquent, allow me to preface this little tale by saying that I do not live off the government.  I do not have credit card debt from racking up purchases of expensive things that I don't really need.  I do not spend excessive amounts of time shopping.  Jerry and I are both very hard workers.   My financial story goes like this. Got my first job at 16 (15?).  Made great money for a teenager who lived with her parents.  Other waitresses at work were comfortably supporting families of 5 on the money we made at our job.  I drove a new little red car, which my parents kindly cosigned a loan for at 17.  I paid it, but I don't know what else I did with my money.  I certainly didn't save any.  I bounded through my teens and early twenties with no real concept of financial responsibility.  Even though I lived on my own I didn't own a checkbook.  I would hand my mom cash and have her write a check for me or I would pay in cash.  I would pay my bills when (and if) I got around to it.  I'm ashamed to say my parents have had to bail me out quite a few times over the years.  I think they always saw that I (and then we) was a hard worker and I had goals and they wanted me to reach them.  My financial discrepancies were seen as sort of a youngish quirk.  I saw them that way too.

By the time I enrolled in my first nursing school and met Jerry, I realized I needed to make more money.  Making sure we take the steps we need to take in our careers in order to ensure an adequate income in the future is one thing Jerry and I have under control right now.  I'm proud of that.  Through hard work and lots of sacrificing and late nights studying, we have the potential to have a financially stable future. But that's all it is right now.  Potential.   Anywho...Jerry and I moved away from our families and very quickly Matthew came along.  To this day I regret many things about the way we handled the whole situation.  I regret that I even considered an abortion for a tiny amount of time.  I regret that I quit nursing school the first time and that we moved back home after our son died without even trying to go back.  So many things.  For the purposes of this post though...I regret that after Matthew died and the bills were arriving in huge, thick envelopes every day I didn't take care of them as they arrived.  I didn't even open them.  I shoved them in a drawer and ignored them.  For months.  I didn't even begin to try to deal with them.  And then I had another baby.  Without ensuring any true degree of financial stability aside from being employed, having a place to live, and having a vague notion that "someday" I might return to nursing school.  That's not to say I would ever regret having my daughter.  She's...everything.  It's just that when she arrived and I held her in my arms, breathing on her own with no medical intervention and looking up at me, I realized that I owed her so much more than what had been provided.  The love was certainly there and the basic life necessities are there.  But...more, you know?  I owed myself more.  And I owed Jerry more.  I vowed that I would get "more" for her, for us.  

In the years since my daughter's birth, we have tried to make the right financial decisions (we have tried to make all right decisions, really).  But we aren't completely making the right financial decisions.  Because we haven't gone back and fixed the mess.  Neither one of us ever learned to adequately manage money before we became a family and we certainly haven't learned since then.  I honestly have never added up all the bad credit debt we actually have.  I really haven't wanted to know because I haven't been able to pay it anyway.  So we haven't really paid at all.  Suffice it to say I receive frequent phone calls and frequent letters in the mail.  Jerry also made poor financial decisions before we met and we have combined those messes and allowed those messes to be added to over the years.  I try to pay bills on time, but if my Kiddo needs something?  She gets it.  Before the bill gets paid.  Ditto for many other "necessities."  The brutal truth is that Jerry and I will never own a real house, will never have any real savings, will never stop needing bailed out, will never take that trip to Europe if we don't face the music and get our shit together.  And I want those things.  We want those things. 

I'm not a New Year's Resolution type of girl because I rarely keep them.  I rarely even accomplish my to-do list for the day.  So this year, I am making a New Year's Vow.  I want out of debt.  We are going to get out of debt.  I want the letters and the phone calls and the nasty "oh, a collection company can do that?" surprises to STOP.  I don't want to be afraid of finances anymore.  We are cleaning up the mess, folks.  

 Here is the plan of action(!) I have compiled thus far:

1.  Clean out my office.  I will stop piling unopened envelopes on any available surface that is out of my sight (and thus out of my mind).  I will stop ignoring.

2.  List our debt.  This one is a biggie.  I have never done this.  If, a few days from now, you see a psychotically emotional post about some random fixation of mine assume that I am working on The List and am simply stalling the discussion of The List on my blog.

3.  Dave Ramsey is my new in-car entertainment for my commute to school.  First up:  Financial Peace University.

4.  Start paying up.  Big time.

Is Your Refrigerator Running?

In true Winter Term Fashion, my refrigerator appears to be broken.  I say "appears" because even though everything in the freezer is thawed to fridge temperature and the water bottle I just pulled out of the fridge is not as cold as it should be, I am not ready to face the fact that I will have to go fridge shopping.  Pronto.  

Winter Terms are consistently bad for me.  Two years ago, my FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer during Winter Term.  He was on and off the vent and I was back and forth between my house, school (1 hour commute) and my father-in-law's house/the hospital (2.5 hour drive).  It...wasn't fun.

Last year, however, was the Winter Term of Epically Bad Proportions.  Nursing school was hell.  19 of my fellow students flunked out in a five week period.  That was 50% of our class.  I would literally go to class one day and the person I had sat next to the day before would be gone.  Gone.  Everyone was on the verge of flunking out.  The curriculum was rough and the teachers were mean.  It was one of the worst winters in years and the roads were terrible.  I would sometimes have to leave 2.5 hours before a class began just to make sure I was on time.  I also had one of the worst bouts of depression I have ever experienced.  The months leading up to Matthew's fifth birthday were awful for me. I miss my baby boy so much every single day, but last winter the weight of it felt too heavy to breathe. One of the most undeserving-of-pregnancy women in known existence to myself was pregnant and due in March.  Unfortunately for me, she is also family.  I also had a "break-up" with one of my closest friends in January; the relationship had been a toxic one for a long time, but it was still hard to end communication with her.  To top it all off, Jerry went from working 40+ hours a week to being cut down to around 10 due to poor management practices and a bad economy at his employer.  So we were broke.  And Jer was really frustrated.  

Just awful. I don't know how I lived through it.  

So I would really like Winter Term 2010 to be mild-mannered and pleasant in comparison to the last two years.  Really.  Classes start Monday and I am busy this term.  17 credits.  Not the most I've had to take at once, but not a light load either.  I am just praying for everything to go smoothly.

It is time to get on the pre-pregnancy health wagon.  Seriously this time.  I know I said I was going to start working out more and eating better several months ago, but I freaking mean it this time.  As previously mentioned, I quit the birth control pill last spring (summer?) and have been using prayer, rough counting methods, and the enforced abstinence that my long-distance relationship has sprung upon us as my birth control method.  I am now officially in the grey area between January and June when it is not official TTC time, but a pregnancy would not be unwelcome or extremely poorly timed.  And I just don't think there's an OB out there who would call swallowing my prenatal vitamin down with Red Bull every morning an adequate pre-conception diet.  I have a true motivation deficit when it comes to physical activity, and I am busy enough to make excuses.  I'm going to stop doing that.  I swear.  Stay tuned.  I guess I can start by perusing the aisles of Lowe's for that fridge tomorrow.

Renovations on Home #2

Hello!  I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.  I had intended to write a large post detailing my impending disconnect from the online world before I left to spend a few weeks with Jerry.  The post didn't happen because, in a cruel twist of fate, the internet connection at my house was down the day before I left.  You see, the house we bought in The Middle of Nowhere is the definition of roughing it.  No internet.  No cable television.  No washer and dryer.  Yet, anyway.  The thing is, all our stuff is still at home with me and the Kiddo 600 miles away.  The house we purchased is in dire need of a renovation  (You will recall this post).  Since Jerry has a few friends from back home staying and working with him over here while I finish up school, the house is an obvious guy hole.  My scalp started itching as soon as I saw the kitchen...it needed cleaned.  

More evidence that the house is not suited for female occupancy just yet....the toilets.  The toilet in Bathroom #1 runs constantly.  No one thinks this is a problem.  If I close my eyes I can almost pretend it is a table top fountain with pretty smooth rocks.  The toilet in Bathroom #2 only flushes halfheartedly.  You never really know what's gonna go down and what's gonna stay.  Neither toilet sits on level flooring because the previous owners let the wood rot.  They said the toilets had "always been like that."  Umm.... My charming guy acknowledges that the toilets are a problem but seems to have no actual plan of action for fixing them other than running a snake down both lines to ensure there is no obstruction.  Oh and he did replace the flooring around the toilets, too.  My first action as woman of the house was to march him to the local hardware store and purchase two shiny new toilets.  I would also like to note that I paid nearly twice what I would've paid at a Home Depot or Lowe's for these little gems.  My gosh I miss chain stores.  But I am thrilled to say the toilets behave appropriately now.

Our progress on the house so far.  Floors relaid with new wood throughout the entire house. Toilets replaced. Sections of wall that previously sported a faux brick appearance have now been refurbished with old barn wood.  It is quite an improvement.  And my personal favorite....cable and internet services hooked up, though not without a two week waiting period between sign-up and installation.  Thus my extended absence from the blogging world.  Oh well, it's a distant memory now. I've been lazy about painting while here so I only have a couple more days to get a few things done before the Kiddo and I have to head back.  Classes start in a little over a week for me.

I will readily admit to spending most of today cuddled up in bed under the new handmade quilt I got from my mother-in-law for Christmas eating chocolates and over-indulging on internet.  I was right.  I can't live without the internet.

Christmas Break Reading List

I probably won't get to all of these, but we all have dreams right?

1.  The Memoirs of Cleopatra by Margaret George

Isn't there a new Cleopatra movie coming out soon (stars Angelina Jolie)?  I'm a sucker for historical novels.

(via Amazon)

 
2.  The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larson

I think most of America has already read this series.  I'm only on the second.  You know, nursing school and all.

(via Amazon)

 
3.  This Lovely Life by Vicki Forman

In honor of my NICU obsession, this book is written by the mother of 23-week twins.  The book follows their journey well beyond their first days in the NICU and the author has a beautiful voice and an optimistic outlook in some very dire circumstances.

(via Amazon)

 
4.  I Know This Much is True by Wally Lamb

I read this for the first time several years ago.  I'm reading it again because it is just that good.  Oh, and Oprah likes it too.

(via Amazon)

 
5.  Fast and Easy ECGs by Bruce Shade and Keith Wesley

Lest you think I intend to let my brain rot completely during the break.  Truthfully, this book is #5 because it also falls pretty low on my list of priorities.

(via Amazon)

 I'm linking up with Elizabeth's blog today! 

I'm also still dying for a Pinterest invite.  I'm not getting any younger sitting on the waiting list.  My email is reesesrantsandraves@gmail.com if anyone would be so kind as to hook me up!

Ah Ah Ah Ah...Staying Alive

I have survived another semester of nursing school.  Yay!!!  Finals are over, clinicals are done, practical demonstrations passed, papers are turned in and graded.  All in all, I consider myself lucky to be getting out alive.  I had some complicated things occurring and I doubted my ability to overcome the whole way through.  So...on with Xmas Break!

I need some new TV shows to watch.  I didn't pick up any new shows from the fall line-up this year.  There just wasn't anything that grabbed my interest and I have to keep television to a minimum during school.  But I am ready to scout some new shows now!  The Vampire Diaries (my all-time favorite) is on winter hiatus.  I am also caught up on Dexter and Jersey Shore. 

Speaking of intersting things....why didn't I know about Pinterest sooner?  I generally avoid time-sucking internet hobbies (aside from blogging, of course), so I waited until my finals were over to check it out.  It is freaking awesome.  I am now shamelessly trolling for an invite.  Anybody???  Apparently, I may be on the waiting list for awhile since I don't know people, and I must. have. a board.  My email is reesesrantsandraves@gmail.com if anyone feels like hooking me up.

Tomorrow I am going to the local bookstore to drink overpriced coffee and browse the shelves.  This has been a fantasy of mine for the last several weeks.  It is going to rock.  I'm also going to scrub my floors so that I can enjoy a half hour of pet hair-free floors.  It probably isn't going to rock.

Anyone waiting on the edge of their seat to learn how my fitness regimen has been coming along....is going to be waiting for a very long time.  I am lazy and enjoy junk food.  The fitness DVDs have not been used and neither has my gym membership.  It's on the list. 

Random

On Thursday, I proved my independence as a woman who can make it with her man living 600 miles away by fixing my own leaking sink.  At least I thought I fixed it at the time.  As I was getting ready for a twelve hour night rotation at the hospital yesterday afternoon (you know, one of those NICU ones that I beg for as though I actually have spare time) I heard the bastard dripping again.  Now I am alternating between staring at it as a form of brainstorming ways to fix it myself and just not using my bathroom sink until I have time to call someone to fix it.  Which wouldn't be until next Friday at the earliest since it's Finals Week.  

I get to put my nursing school uniform (you know, the one with the embarrassing patch) away for a whole month now!  It gave me great satisfaction to shove it into the very back of my closet today. 

I am in love with other peoples' babies.  Seriously.  Some of those little babies are so cute that only the site of my own Kiddo can take the edge off my baby cravings.  I am particularly in love with this one little squirt who is angry at the world over the limitations imposed by his current feeding schedule.  The rage with which he sucks his binky and screams when placed back in his own plastic hospital crib is so delicious.  This kid can sense the most minute changes in elevation and notices that he has been transitioned from being held to being alone in bed within seconds.  Three pounds of fireball, that one.  Of course, I do get to leave him and sleep so that probably helps my adoration along.

My daughter is obsessed with those stick horse thingys that consist of a stuffed horse head and a long wooden handle.  Apparently it is all the rage in this house to have one of these with which to gallop around the house neighing loudly.  I haven't bought her one yet because I fear that the long wooden handle will quickly be utilized as a weapon with which to herd terrified dogs into a corner of the living room.  

Update on my mental status:  since the day I had the little talk with myself about chilling out, I have taken my heartburn medication twice.  Why, you ask?  Because apparently the combination of decompressing and taking allergy medication will make the throat lump and heartburn magically disappear.  I would complain about the expensive medical interventions I required to figure this big medical mystery out...but I'm just glad it's gone.  Good riddance.

So excited for the upcoming break.  I will be spending some serious time in North Dakota with Jerry.  I am looking forward to it, but the lack of a decent internet connection has me frantically calling businesses to attempt to get the connection taken care of before my arrival.  I can deal with a ridiculously small town (population of less than 600 people by the way.  Like I said, ridiculous) but no internet connection is a deal-breaker.  I am also going to try sedating my hyper dog so that I can travel with two dogs and a four year old.  This has not been attempted previously so it should be interesting to say the least.  

But for now...it's time I focus on studying for finals.