Postpartum Frustrations

Yesterday I was going to post something here that was annoyingly cheerful, but I ran out of time.  Nothing major has changed today.  The baby is still absolutely delicious.  Roo is such a sweet big sister.  I am just so in love with my little family.

But today?  I am really really postpartum-y.  I found myself on the verge of tears for the entire day. Jerry called to say he was going to have to work tomorrow.  Then his mother called (lets just leave it at that, shall we?).  I couldn't get schoolwork done, and I didn't much want to.  Roo was frustrated with playing by herself and entertaining herself with movies all day.  I was frustrated.  Stressing about finances, and other nonsense I can't do anything about.  My incision hurt all day long. I'm still pretty fat and swollen, and my body just isn't bouncing back like I desperately wish it would. 

Oh, and let us not forget that I am STILL toting a catheter for a few more days.  Allow me to elaborate.  During my surgery, Dr. VBAC toted a resident into the operating room with him.  I was really having a pretty shitty time between the anesthesia and the sheer terror and whatnot, so I was making sure to listen to everything that was being said on the other side of the curtain.  I even sent Jerry and my mother scampering over to the baby's side of the room to watch him be weighed and measured so I could just listen and take it all in.  The sound of my son's crying, the tears pouring down my cheeks, the wave of gratitude I was feeling.  All of it.  

Then I hear Dr. VBAC say quietly, "See that?" to the resident.  As a recent nursing student I was very much aware that these are the kinds of things my nursing instructor would say when she wanted to call our attention to something interesting or irregular without alarming the patient she was referring to.  So immediately I know he's pointing out something abnormal.  

I start panicking, thinking it is likely something to do with scar tissue and I'm about to be told there will be no more children.  They take a really long time finishing me up.  By the time the doctor comes to my hospital room to talk, I am relieved to learn it is "only" my bladder experiencing the complication. 

Apparently c-sections aren't that great for you, and when you have multiple c-sections you can sometimes get adhesions.  And I got them.  My bladder was adhered to my uterus, so then it got all kinds of little incisions and stitches from being separated.  The catheter is to keep my bladder nice and decompressed so it can heal.  I'm supposed to remove it on Monday.  Thank goodness.  The bag is super annoying to tote around.  If I have the handy "leg bag" on that straps to my leg, I can't get down on my knees to play with Roo or clean.  If I have the large foley catheter bag on, I have to pick the bag up and tote it with me wherever I go.  There is also no concealing it.  I end up hooking the damn thing to the waistband of my pants, which can potentially reflux the urine from the tubing back into my bladder.  Not ideal.  

Today, was just the kind of day that I am glad to be done with now.  Tomorrow, the kids and I (it still feels really strange and new to be able to say "kids") are going to attempt our first outing alone.  Driving to the town an hour away to see the Easter bunny.  I'm trying not to focus too much on the fact that the kids outnumber me when Jerry is at work.  Or that I haven't actually gone anywhere in the car without riding in the back seat with the baby...Wish me luck.

Photos

My little family all together for the first time.

Daddy and Tanner

Busting out of the hospital

First time in the car seat!

Here are the promised photos.  Sorry it took me so long to get them up--I haven't wanted to put my little guy down for a second.  Actually, he's snuggled up on my chest right now.  As you can see, he's got a full head of dark hair that is perfect for burying my face in.  He smells amazing--nothing better than that new baby smell.  His pajamas have rockets on them.  I feel like my heart is going to burst a lot these days.

We are all tucked in at home now, and it feels really good to be here.  It's been a long road.  It is so surreal to be using the baby things, dealing with the sleep deprivation, the whole package.  Until I heard that baby cry in the operating room, there was a huge, fearful, quivering part of me that did not believe we would be taking a baby home.  Thankfully, now that he is here, that fearful part of me is a bit more in control.  Although, I am really nervous about one of my dogs being around the baby--he's a real weirdo of a dog, and I'm not taking any chances.  

As he's laying here on my chest, I feel a sense of disbelief that he was in my belly just a few days ago.  He isn't even back to his birth weight yet, but I just don't know how he fit in there.  He still folds himself up the way he was positioned in my uterus, with his knees pulled up to his chest.  It really explains why his kicks were capable of inflicting pain for the last bit of pregnancy.  

As for me...I'm looking pretty postpartumy.  I want to save his birth story for its own post, but I do want to share that I brought something else home from the hospital besides a baby.  Any guesses?  Okay, I guess I'll tell...It's a catheter.  It conveniently allows me to empty my bladder into a bag.  And it lets me know when my urine is bloody from trying to accomplish too much in one day.  If I could think of a disadvantage?  I guess it can be a bit awkward trying to tote a pee bag everywhere while also holding a newborn.  And it makes it difficult to want to answer the door when the neighbors knock.  So anyway, that's my excuse for not posting any pictures of myself in the above collage.  I'm a bit behind on commenting, but I promise I'll catch up soon.

Announcing...

Tanner Parker was born at 8:08 this morning weighing 7lbs 6oz. He is named for my maternal grandfather who held him in his arms and cried this evening. We are too happy for words, too grateful for words. I am holding my newborn son on my chest as I type this from my iPhone because I cannot give him up to retrieve my laptop. Will do a longer post with pictures very soon but for now just picture us soaking it in. We cannot thank you enough for your thoughts and prayers.

On the Eve of My Child's Birth

To my as-yet-unnamed baby boy:

First we called you The Embryo, then we affectionately referred to you as The Fetus.  Now here we are, the night before you are scheduled to be born.  We are nervous, scared, excited.  I can't sleep even though I know I should be sleeping.

I can't wait for the next stage, but I know I will miss you as you are now.  You've been such a lovely little guy in utero.  I'll always have pleasant memories of this pregnancy because it brought me you.  

I feel like I know you, but there is so much I am looking forward to learning about you.  I know we will take great joy in watching your personality unfold before us.  Right now?  I know you are a fan of chewing because you flip around without fail every time my jaw starts moving.  You are a very punctual mover, and as we progressed through the last few months I've used my doppler less and less because you are so reliable.  Over the last couple of weeks, you've become capable of inflicting pain with your shifting and kicking.  You still seem to have quite a few options for positioning in there, and you switch frequently.  You don't really appreciate being pushed on from the outside, but as you've begun to run out of room you've started to push back a bit in irritation. You've been quite a stoic and reassuring little fetus.

We know you have hair because we've seen it on ultrasound.  I hope you look like your big brother and sister.  I hope you are born fat and healthy and screaming.  Your daddy, your big sister and I are waiting for you.   See you in the morning, Baby Boy.  We can't wait to officially meet you.

Tags Off!

And Now...We Wait

I'm writing this post with a sense of disbelief.  I'm having trouble accepting the fact that we actually made it.  I mean, I'm not actually scheduled until Monday morning, but this baby could come at any time and it would be OK.  We are ready.  We are waiting.

I finished my class (with a B) in the early hours Wednesday morning.  Jerry finished the week at work.  I drove home this morning to pick him up and bring him back to the city with me so that we only have one vehicle to get home after I am released from the hospital.  My family is here to watch Kiddo (and driving me absolutely crazy, as usual). My dogs have been dropped off at the vet to be boarded for the next week.  Kiddo's sibling gift is wrapped and ready.  My hospital bag is packed. The car seat base has been installed for weeks and the car seat is sitting by the door. 

I still haven't done the baby's laundry, but I am making progress.  I opened the breast pump today, which is a big committment because they cannot be returned once the seal is broken on the box.  So there.  I'm acknowledging that I will likely need a breast pump soon.

Tomorrow my daughter is off to stay with family until Monday afternoon.  Jerry and I are going to, well, basically do nothing.  I'm looking forward to it.  

I really never thought I would get to have a scheduled sort of delivery where things are organized and calm.  It's strange for me to feel so ready for this little one's birth, but I'm not complaining.  If I were to complain it would be about family members who think their presence in the OR is absolutely essential when it absolutely is not.  But I'm not in the mood to complain tonight.  The overall mood today between Jerry and I has been one of sheer elation.  I woke this morning feeling excited and looking forward to the next few days.  When I arrived at our home to pick him up, I found Jerry in exactly the same state. 

I plan to relax and shop as much as my swollen ankles will allow until it's time to go.  Can't wait for what comes next, but I'm so glad to not have to be worried about going into labor anymore.