Postpartum Frustrations

Yesterday I was going to post something here that was annoyingly cheerful, but I ran out of time.  Nothing major has changed today.  The baby is still absolutely delicious.  Roo is such a sweet big sister.  I am just so in love with my little family.

But today?  I am really really postpartum-y.  I found myself on the verge of tears for the entire day. Jerry called to say he was going to have to work tomorrow.  Then his mother called (lets just leave it at that, shall we?).  I couldn't get schoolwork done, and I didn't much want to.  Roo was frustrated with playing by herself and entertaining herself with movies all day.  I was frustrated.  Stressing about finances, and other nonsense I can't do anything about.  My incision hurt all day long. I'm still pretty fat and swollen, and my body just isn't bouncing back like I desperately wish it would. 

Oh, and let us not forget that I am STILL toting a catheter for a few more days.  Allow me to elaborate.  During my surgery, Dr. VBAC toted a resident into the operating room with him.  I was really having a pretty shitty time between the anesthesia and the sheer terror and whatnot, so I was making sure to listen to everything that was being said on the other side of the curtain.  I even sent Jerry and my mother scampering over to the baby's side of the room to watch him be weighed and measured so I could just listen and take it all in.  The sound of my son's crying, the tears pouring down my cheeks, the wave of gratitude I was feeling.  All of it.  

Then I hear Dr. VBAC say quietly, "See that?" to the resident.  As a recent nursing student I was very much aware that these are the kinds of things my nursing instructor would say when she wanted to call our attention to something interesting or irregular without alarming the patient she was referring to.  So immediately I know he's pointing out something abnormal.  

I start panicking, thinking it is likely something to do with scar tissue and I'm about to be told there will be no more children.  They take a really long time finishing me up.  By the time the doctor comes to my hospital room to talk, I am relieved to learn it is "only" my bladder experiencing the complication. 

Apparently c-sections aren't that great for you, and when you have multiple c-sections you can sometimes get adhesions.  And I got them.  My bladder was adhered to my uterus, so then it got all kinds of little incisions and stitches from being separated.  The catheter is to keep my bladder nice and decompressed so it can heal.  I'm supposed to remove it on Monday.  Thank goodness.  The bag is super annoying to tote around.  If I have the handy "leg bag" on that straps to my leg, I can't get down on my knees to play with Roo or clean.  If I have the large foley catheter bag on, I have to pick the bag up and tote it with me wherever I go.  There is also no concealing it.  I end up hooking the damn thing to the waistband of my pants, which can potentially reflux the urine from the tubing back into my bladder.  Not ideal.  

Today, was just the kind of day that I am glad to be done with now.  Tomorrow, the kids and I (it still feels really strange and new to be able to say "kids") are going to attempt our first outing alone.  Driving to the town an hour away to see the Easter bunny.  I'm trying not to focus too much on the fact that the kids outnumber me when Jerry is at work.  Or that I haven't actually gone anywhere in the car without riding in the back seat with the baby...Wish me luck.