Why I Might Not Graduate From Nursing School After All

1.  I have a Pinterest account

2.  I am currently addicted to reruns of The Office

3.  Baby Cravings/Fantasies

4.  My kid is way cute.

5.  My dogs are hilarious

6.  Cystic Fibrosis sucks and I don't want to read about it.

7.  I haven't started an IV in weeks.  On anyone.  I'm contemplating whether it would be morally reprehensible to start one on the dog.  He looks kind of dehydrated.  Too far?

8.  Naptime is so much more therapeutic than writing a paper. 

9.  A shockingly small amount of nursing school is actually dedicated to the care of babies.  Why is this?  If I can't have a baby because I am too busy studying/attempting to pass my classes, then why WHY can't I just hang out in the NICU all the time?  Why must I read textbooks and write papers?

10.  I think that's all.

I'm Insane, Right?

I had this dream two nights ago...that I was pregnant.  I got up and said, "Huh, that was strange and out-of-nowhere."  I went about my day.  Since then I haven't been able to shake the strange feeling that I might be pregnant.  It's absolutely ridiculous.  I am not even a little bit late.  I do not know why; it is just such a disconcerting feeling.  I'm writing about it here because A) it's bugging me and B) it is somewhat embarrassing that I am so insane and hormonal so I think it's best to vent about it here rather than face-to-face with someone. 

Snow Day!

This morning I woke up to over 8 inches of snow and it kept on coming.  We have had nearly 12 inches so far and it is still snowing.  It's pretty unbelievable.  

Kiddo and I took the dogs outside to play in the snow.  It took me over an hour to shovel out my porch, car, and the little path in between the front door and the car.  I was scheduled to do a hospital rotation tomorrow, but all rotations were cancelled due to weather.  I am trying to embrace being snowed in and not be annoyed by the fact that I have now prepared the night before the last two hospital rotations and not made it to the hospital.  Last week sick, this week snow.  I'm starting to feel like a fake nursing student.  At least  I get to sleep in tomorrow.

The Orange

Kiddo is up late, having sweet-talked me into having a movie night because we don't have to get up early.  She shouts aloud during all the exciting (!) parts of 101 Dalmations, though we have seen it probably 20 times together in her little life.

I clean up the kitchen, pick up the toys, let the dogs outside, wash my face, get ready for bed.  She is still awake, eyes gleaming, staring at the television.  I turn it off and this does nothing to dent her enthusiasm.  She starts asking me philosphical questions.  You know, the really important ones.  "Mommy, why didn't the other reindeers let Rudolph play with them?" (what cruel person would ever tell their little girl that Christmas is over and Rudolph is no longer relevant?  Certainly not me; it's Christmas time all year in this house.) "Mommy, do you like bats?" "Do you like chocolate, Mother?"

I give up trying to study and start thinking about getting an orange from the kitchen.  I casually mention to her that I'm going to get one.  She is SO FREAKING EXCITED.  I mean this orange is a big deal.  She loves oranges.  Especially at bedtime when she is supposed to be sleeping. 

I peel the orange while she squirms on the bed in excitement.  I give her a piece of the peel to smell.  I split the orange with her.  She is so happy.  Her green eyes are just sparkling and she is smiling and laughing and watching me and letting her long hair fall on the orange wedges as I hand them to her.  I hope she is always so happy.  

Nothing makes you stop and appreciate a simple, everyday moment like a child.  Lord, please send me ten more of these delightful little creatures.

Baby Cravings (Round 5)

Well...I think baby cravings are smacking me at full force.  I am trying to reason with myself by pointing out that it is almost time, just a little longer to start Project Baby.  I'm trying to reason with myself by pointing out that I always crave babies at this time of year.  From January to April, I inevitably ricochet between bad periods of grief over the loss of my child and an insatiable desire to have another baby.  Add to this a sprinkling of insane and inappropriate jealousy when people marked as "unworthy" of another child in my hormonal and grief crazed mind dare to deliver a child of their own during this time period.  That's right folks.  Sanity and reason are not personality characteristics I always choose to utilize, no matter how level-headed and calm I may seem here.  

How, you may be asking, do I combat this potent combination of Winter/Baby Blues?  I wander the baby section at Target until I realize I don't belong there or until my four year old starts screeching that I haven't taken her to see the toys yet.  Whichever happens first.  I complain loudly to Jerry that I want another baby during every.single. conversation.  Even though he is not the one holding up the show.  I am.  He has long ago started making comments regarding his readiness for another child.  Yet this does not save him from my loud, dramatic sighs and overly descriptive depictions of the adorable baby(ies) I recently viewed.  When Jerry can't listen to it anymore, I then tell everyone else I know.  It's a good time for everyone involved, I think.

And I start baking.  It's pretty ridiculous.  Right now I am baking this.  I will not be posting a picture of my culinary masterpiece here because...I just don't want to.  But feel free to view this talented lady's version.

As you may imagine, all of these activities have been making a serious dent in my study time.  And house cleaning time.  However, I am pleased to report that my daughter now knows 20/26 alphabet letters.  And yesterday we watched the original version of Annie together for the first time.  She loved it, but was very intense during the viewing.  "Mommy, what is that mean lady doing!"  "Mommy, why is Annie running?"  "Mommy where are the orphans?"  "MOMMY!!!"  She requested a second viewing this morning, but I politely declined in favor of a movie that wouldn't incite such raw emotions (and headaches).  We have also played several variations of princess games, in which she dresses herself elaborately and gives me very specific instructions on how to rescue her while she collapses in a dramatic heap.  Aww Disney, raising generations of helpless females.  But good fun.  So while not much has happened in the productivity department, and the Baby Cravings are running high, I have had some fun with the Kiddo.  

Weekly Catch-Up

The first week of school passed mostly without a hitch until my Thursday. I had a clinical rotation at the hospital.  I had to get up by 5 am and be in the car with the Kiddo by 5:45 in order to report for duty at 6:30.  I thought it was odd when I popped awake at 4:30 unsure of why but knowing that something was wrong.  I gave up on falling asleep and decided to start my day.  As I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, I noticed I was having some very intense hot and cold flashes.  You know the kind.  One second you are boiling hot and sweating and dizzy, the next second you are freezing cold and shivering.  I swung back and forth on this little climate-change coaster several times before I remembered that Kiddo had had a brief and violent episode of stomach flu over the weekend.  Normally, I am terrified and popping extra vitamins as soon as I realize she is ill and I may soon become ill.  But the hullaballoo of the first week back in class distracted me, I guess, because I found myself completely unprepared.  I found myself chanting "no, no, no, NO" over and over as I forced myself to get dressed.  But I couldn't get my shoes on because I was so dizzy and nauseous I couldn't see straight.  So I called my instructor.  I am allowed to miss just 2 clinical days in a school year or risk getting KICKED OUT OF NURSING SCHOOL!  I know people, especially in health care, are not supposed to go to work sick, but trust me when I say it is ingrained in every aspect of nursing school that you do not miss class, no matter how sick you think you are, no matter how sick you think your kid is.  You get your ass to class or you will find yourself in some high-ranking instructor's office attempting to explain yourself and avoid throwing away years of expensive education.

In my case, the absence was okay because I have not missed a clinical day yet and actually have extra rotations on my roster thanks to the NICU rotations I've taken on (that means begged for).  If you think this soothed me at all you are incorrect.

I am a single mother.  I know I'm not single, but for all intents and purposes I am doing the child-rearing/nursing school/overloaded schedule coordinating/studying thing ALONE.  With Jerry in North Dakota, my "help" is reduced to a sometimes comforting voice on the phone at the end of the day and checks that show up in the bank account.  I don't mean to minimize this; my guy rocks and I am so in love with him.  We are coming up on 7 years together, and I am so proud of us and the obstacles we've managed to overcome together.  Not bad for two stupid kids in their early twenties who thought they were having a "good time" when they first hooked up.  But....there is no one to help me solve the day-to-day problems now.  There is no one to cover when someone is sick.  There is no one to take over the main parenting for a day so I can study for a test. I could write a book on the time management skills I have had to learn in the last 6 months.   Like I said, ALONE.

So...the fact that it is the first week back at school and I have already missed a significant day was not helpful.  Abscences must be hoarded for extreme emergencies, not piddly little sick days.  Plus when I called I wasn't entirely sure that the nausea wouldn't just pass in a few minutes and I'd be mad at myself for wasting an absence on nothing.  Usually if you are sick on a class or hospital day it is best to show up anyway so the instructors can see you for themselves and send you home.  But I just couldn't make it.  So I called in.

Boy, was I glad I called an hour later when I started puking my guts out.  It was crazy up in here, ya'll.  I was pretty proud of myself for interpreting my body's signals correctly for once because I am usually way off.  I would much rather spend the day sick on my own bathroom floor than the employee bathroom at the hospital while trying to juggle patients.  Plus, for the first time since I was about 17, I had to call and have my mommy come take care of me.  Kiddo was zooming around and needing things and getting very worried about my state of health.  

I felt better at night, passed out, and ignored my ringing phone.  Woke up to a text message from my dad saying he was "just pulling into town."  He had decided the night before to come to town to visit a friend in the hospital and I didn't get the memo.  So I had to stagger into the shower and shove crap into cupboards in order to look like a sane person by the time he arrived.  I think I pulled it off.

Oh, The Bad Debt List.  I did make it last Saturday after I posted.  It was ugly.  My office is now strategically organized and free from paperwork that is laying around unopened.  This is a good thing for finances and studying.  I find myself studying in bed or in the living room (where I also fall asleep easily) if the office is a mess.  Mr. Ramsey and I have been commuting together this week.  I negotiated with the first big bad debt creditor to start making payments and have made two so far, with the goal of paying it off by the beginning of February.

And Jerry and I gave up a trip to visit each other this weekend in the name of better budgeting.  That part really sucked.  I miss my guy. I so rarely have a spare weekend when school is in session to get over to see him that I badly wanted to take advantage of it, but alas.  Here we are.

I think that pretty much brings us up to speed.  I am already procrastinating some school work that is due today, so I am going to hold off on a few other things I wanted to post about until later.