Summer!

I survived finals.  Its summer!....what am I supposed to do now?  I finished Wednesday afternoon and I still feel jittery, like I am supposed to be doing something every time I lay down.  I even drove up to school Thursday to finish some last minute paperwork and repair a lampshade I made in my Stained Glass class last year (the dog and the 3 year old were not kind to it).  I don't really know what to do with myself.  Just hang around the house?  Work a bunch of hours?  Sleep the whole 3.5 months away?  The two pregnant girls in my class have both had their babies and get to spend the time with their new bundles of joy.  It still seems like everyone is having a baby these days and I am just dying for one.  My little girl is growing up so fast, and it feels like its been forever since I had a baby.

My mother is driving me crazy.  She does this super-adorable thing where she complains about you to every other member of the family except you.  I never know where I stand with her and it is so frustrating to hear that she is complaining about how much she has to help out with my daughter while I am in school.  I would like to clarify that she helps out occasionally at most, but the last few weeks of school with the Man working out of town I have needed her more than I probably have all year.  I parent my own child.  And I do not drink.  Or use drugs.  She is great with my daughter, it's me that she judges and criticizes.  I don't even like to ask her for help with my kiddo because I know I will pay for it emotionally from her.  I always feel like she thinks I don't appreciate the help she gives me. So hopefully now that it's summer it won't be an issue for awhile.

In the interest of utilizing my summer time to regroup, I have several projects lined up that I'm hoping will occupy me:

1.  The fallout from my parents' divorce three years ago left me with all the old family photos.  I need to scan them all into my computer and get everyone digital copies.

2.  The kiddo's scrapbooks don't even extend to her first birthday. It would be nice to catch up.

3.  The photos that are hanging on the walls are all outdated by several years.

4.  The walls in my house all need painted and I want my daughter's room redone.

5.  My guy needs to get his CDL.  I plan to help out by making study guides to enhance his learning--and drive him nuts.

6.  Its time I learned how to navigate a gym.  If all goes well, we want another baby next year as my graduation gets close.  I am thinking that by February or March it will be safe to get pregnant without interfering with my June 2012 graduation.  I want to be in the best shape of my life before we start trying this time.  That means the time to get in shape is now, my friends.

7.  All of my paperwork from this year needs to be organized and backed up so that my hard drives are cleared up for fall.  This could potentially take up a month of my summer.  Ugh.

8.  In the interest of not letting my brain rot and having a huge problem with school next fall I have a list of crap to teach myself over the summer:

• I want to know heart and lung sounds cold
• Heart rhythms--supposed to be learning them this fall, but it would be nice to know them already
• Pharmacology--I have some serious gaps that I need to fill in
• Pathophysiology--just trying not to forget anything

9.  And just for fun...I have some books in my shopping cart at Amazon on NICU nursing.  In the interest of my serious obsession with obtaining a NICU preceptorship next spring, I've been wanting to read up, but haven't had time during the school year.

This morning the kiddo and I were on a mission for donuts.  She chose a chocolate one with gummy worms.  Then we put together my old Barbie house and she jabbered to herself for awhile while I read on the couch.  Now we are watching Shrek 2 for the fiftieth time.  I really want to redo this blog...the look just isn't me right now.  Brainstorming some ideas.  The weather is still rainy...we've only had a couple of nice days so far this year, and I've been stuck in class or studying for all of them.  I can't wait for it to be nice again.  I am dying to go camping.

Stay Tuned...

I will be a more attentive blogger in approximately 5 days when finals are finished.  Things are looking okay so far.  I passed my final competency with no issues (my friend, however, will have to redo hers next week).  I have been starting IVs in the hospital with alacrity, but I never anticipated a problem since I did the phlebotomy thing for awile before nursing school.  I can do IV medications as well now.  I've had some awesome clinicals this quarter and am looking forward to rehashing them here soon.  I had a Pharmacology ATI test today that ranks you according to how well you do up against other nursing students in the country.  I didn't score as well as I wanted, but I made a Level 2 and I am only a Level 1 student, so at this point I'll take what I can get.  Finals Lineup:  Monday--Pathophysiology; Tuesday--Acute Nursing Care; Wednesday--Pharmacology; Wednesday night--swallow a potent apple martini and pass out for 14 hours straight.

Poor Neglected Little Blog

I wish I had time to post more often but I feel guilty devoting time to this blog that should be spent studying right now.  Let's see...The Man's job situation still sucks and so does his family.  His mother is all up in my shit every chance she gets.  Enough said for now.  After 6 years together, crap from his family is nothing new.  School is getting to that stressful time before finals when papers are due and textbook material must be learned 12 chapters at a time in order to be ready for finals.  I am not sleeping enough or finding enough time for my family at this point, and I can't wait for summer.  I crave summer.  I have 3 more weeks of class left.  I was hoping The Man would've found a better job by now--even though we are looking out of state at this point.  I have fantasies of living in a camper trailer for the summer somewhere far away from here.  I have it figured out so that the kiddo and I could stay home for a week while I work and then spend a week with him.  I am still hoping that will happen; I really don't want to spend my summer working full time and checking my kiddo into daycare everyday.  

All the good TV shows are wrapping up for the season and it's making me sad.  How am I going to make it to September with no new episodes of The Vampire Diaries?  Without school and television my life starts to feel like it's at a standstill after a couple of weeks.  But at the moment...I have a pediatric case study to write. 

Celebrity Baby Boomers

What is with all these babies everywhere?  Are they driving anyone else nuts?  They all seem so blissfully ignorant and happy, like nothing bad could ever touch them or their unborn fetuses.  Of course I would never wish what I've been through on another human being, but sometimes an unknowing mother to be just irks me.  Then I barely stop myself from spitting out stories about every awful pregnancy complication that I've ever heard of.  I guess misery really does love company.  

I have decided that the birth control pill is the devil.  I have put up with years of sore boobs and fluctuating hormones and I hate it.  Also, I occasionally bum a cigarette from the neighbor when I'm super stressed (trailer park, remember) and I then spend the next 1.5 days freaking out about blood clots.  And breast cancer.  And whacked out estrogen and progesterone levels.  Plus, my natural cycle is 33 days and I hate being artificially forced to have a 28 day cycle instead.  Obviously, I've discussed that I simply cannot afford to get pregnant halfway through nursing school so...I'm contemplating going back on the mini-pill.  One hormone instead of two, and I've gotten fairly disciplined about taking the pill at the same time every day.  The drawback is that the progesterone only pill lets your natural cycle do its thing so I don't get my period like clockwork.  And as soon as my period is five seconds late, I basically move into the bathroom and have a whole impromptu psychological analysis on what I want the pregnancy test to read. Negative? Positive?  Then I call Jer in to go over the whole thing.  What does he think?  Negative?  Positive?  Maybe I should take another test while we both think about it?  Um...yeah, that was how I landed myself back on the regular pill the last time.  How am I not single?  Must be the sparkling personality and the B-cup.

Case study got finished well before the midnight deadline today.  Hooray!  It was a frustrating one to write.  My mom called and invited me to Easter dinner with her and her new husband. My friend and I have dubbed this particular brand of crazy talk from our mothers the "You need medication" speech.  You know, the type of conversation where one person deflects everything the other person says that could sit badly with them by suggesting that they get some help.  There's another variation of this speech entitled  the "You need to see a psychiatrist.  Really." speech.  I suppose he's not that new after a year and a half?  Then she called me grumpy.  Which I am.  And that I could use some medication.  Um, yeah probably.  And then she offered to share hers, but I think she was just being antagonizing...she would never share.  I think I said something sweet like, "Why because they do such wonders for you?"  Just joking Mom.  Love you.  No one inspires me like my mother.  Anyhow, she says she is coming over to help clean house in the morning.  We shall see.  My house is not for the faint of heart.  I didn't intend a pun there, but she had a heart attack five years ago...I better get up early and start cleaning before she gets here.  Moms are fun.

High hopes for the weekend.  Having a Pharmacology marathon.  The Man is hoping I will find time to shave my legs.  We all have dreams.

Ramblings of an Overcrowded Mind

The other night, I had the following conversation with my daughter while I was reading my Pathophysiology book next to her:

"Mommy, what's this?" as she's pointing to a picture in my book

"Um....that is a picture of a prolapsed uterus."

"Oh...is he a boy?"

"No monkey, that's a girl"

"Those are not boy parts?"

"Nope."

"Why does she have that?"

"I guess she had too many babies and her uterus got worn out so it fell."

At least it wasn't a picture of a chancre, but still.  I'll be editing the content with post-it notes from now on.  And the Man didn't think my honest answer was the way to go, but I disagree.  When all else fails, tell the truth.  I know there's no way to know for sure at age 3, but she is fascinated with all my nursing textbooks....I think she is destined for greatness.  I mean, note the complete thoroughness of questions regarding uterine prolapse; she even continued on and told her father about our conversation using the words "uterine prolapse" because he came and asked me what it was.  Taking complete health histories at age 3 is a sign of brilliance for sure...I am still learning to do that at 27.

In other news, my patient today was an 82 year old woman with stage 4 ovarian cancer.  It was my first clinical on a med/surg floor and it went well, although I didn't get to cath anyone.  I did get to wander down to OB for awhile as well...more on that another time.  There's always that feeling walking onto the floor as a nursing student...like everyone but you knows what's going on, and they all know that you don't know.  Also, I can't seem to get a patient under the age of 75 for the life of me.  Oh well, at least I'm not still stuck in the nursing home for clinicals.  Next week, I have a rotation in Day Surgery that I've heard is good.

The Man's employment situation is still pretty dire, and I freaked myself out by looking at my bank balance.  Never do that.  He is pretty frustrated and I am just praying that something comes along soon.  I don't know what we'll do if this goes on for much longer than it already has.

Monday is the 25th, the day that Matthew passed away...after 5 years, I still don't know how the hell to get through these days.  The brevity of his little life still wipes me out completely.  It's so strange, because in my heart, he is 5 years old now; I can see him growing, changing as the years go by.  I see myself changing as the years go by, a direct line of blessings and consequences that can be traced straight back to him.  If you take any random 15 days of my life, there isn't a single chunk that has had as much impact on my entire being as the sweeping range of events that was his life.  I don't always know what sort of God I believe in...I pray desperately--often--and I believe he is up there.  But, I have trouble thinking of heaven as an actual place, and I can't imagine that God himself could ever give me an answer about my baby boy that would satisfy me.  Still, I know in my heart that Matthew is safe and that he is not hurting or troubled and under the circumstances that has to be enough.

Alright, I still have an entire postpartum case study to write tonight.  You know, the one I was complaining about making no progress on in Tuesday's post.  Really need this weekend to save my ass on study time.  Wish me luck and emotional stability for the rest of April!

Spring Quarter ADD?

I am so sick of studying that I can't study.  By the time I sit down to study at night, my brain is off.  Since tonight was a bust, I now have 3 days to write a case study on a first time mother who is on her first postpartum day.  3 days in which I must also spend 1.5 hours commuting each way, attend a full day of classes, attend clinical, drop off and pick up my daughter from day care, find a moment to smile at the Man and pet the dogs, make sure everyone is fed and clothed, feed and clothe myself, read about ten chapters from three different textbooks on the endocrine system...at least I know my brain is still in there because it HURTS.  Is it summer yet?  I desperately need a little fighting spirit and a little energy. I want to go to the gym and take my daughter to the pool and walk my dog and plant some flowers (did I mention it has been snowing outside for the past 2 days?  That's Montana for ya).  I also want to successfully survive nursing school.  If I don't post for a bit, it's because I'm treading water.  

The upside of all this busy work is that I don't have time to freak out about the fact that it's April.  I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing all my emotional stuff when I have school as an excuse.  I mean normally I am.  Obviously January through March cannot be counted as a period of successful compartmentalizing because I was a fricking train wreck; emotional baggage was spilling out of every single drawer and I couldn't shove it all back in for the life of me.  Every time I think of last quarter, I start feeling like I'm drowning all over again.  Yeah, repression is an absolute necessity for pulling A's in school whilst falling to pieces on the inside. Let's just keep all the shit in neatly labeled drawers in my subconscious until finals are over in June.  Then at least something in my life will be in a neatly labeled drawer because the laundry definitely isn't.