Does Anyone Know How to Get on "Hoarders?"

I honestly don't know what I was thinking with the whole brown and pink butterfly blog look I had going on before.  It wasn't me at all.  I'm happier with the new look, but we'll see.  Got pictures up of Baby Boy, but I need to get the memory card out of my camera so I can get a recent pic up of my daughter.

Summer is slipping quickly through my fingers.  Care to venture a guess as to how much of my summer to do list I've accomplished so far?  If you guessed nothing, you got it.  It's frustrating me today, especially in light of the fact that I'm doing some solo parenting now that Jer is in North Dakota working.  I need to run a much tighter ship.  The kiddo and I are messy and I'm not a person who naturally cares how clean and organized my life is--it's only when the clutter starts to mess up regular activities such as trying to locate a pair of pink little girl sandals in order to dash to the grocery store ("The pink ones with the purple flowers, Mommy!") that I start to get really frustrated.  Since I am steering the parenting/nursing school ship alone this year, I need to develop some skills I don't currently have.  Let's face it...I'm a slob.  The kind of slob who panics when a neighbor knocks on the door because I fear what they are about to see will send them screaming home.  And I live in a trailer so imagine the type of mess it would take to actually scare my neighbors off.  It's starting to look like an episode of Hoarders up in here.  To make matters worse, I can no longer blame the clutter on The Man; I'm having to face up to the fact that it's Me.  So with only 4 solid weeks of summer left, I need to hustle if I am to get a few things done.  I need things to be in order.

Spent last week in North Dakota...generally dull.  Jer and I fell in love with a little house, only to call the realtor and find out that an offer is pending on it.  He isn't currently working in an area that we are thrilled to settle in though, so I can only hope there is something else out there for us.  Jer hates being so far away and I must confess to not having the best time with the long distance thing either.  I miss him.  Right now I am feeling stable about the whole thing, but by tomorrow morning I'll probably be panicking again.  I'm really good at panicking.

Met my mother at the mall for lunch today.  Smiled to myself when I thought about how much trips to the mall take on a new tone when you have a child.  I never made it into an adult clothing store, but we spent considerable time at the pet store, the toy store and the penny fountain (ever tried to explain to a four year old why she cannot shove her arms into the fountain water up to her elbows in order to grab out coins for re-throwing?).  Then the kiddo and I made colored sand bottles this evening.  And I watched Jersey Shore.  I love Jersey Shore.  Don't judge--it's the perfect form of mind-numbing summer television.  I'm also working my way through previous seasons of Dexter and Entourage--if crap television was a productive summer pastime I'd be doing very very well.  In the interest of teaching my child the good housekeeping habits I don't seem to have I also spent a teeth-gritting hour encouraging her to "help" clean up my bedroom since it was filled with the toys and stuffed animals she has been dragging in over the past three days.  I resorted to chanting "God, thank you for the blessing that is this child" over and over again in my head in order to refrain from yelling at her while she slooooowly picked up about 6 toys over the entire hour.  Believe it or not, 6 toys is progress.

Hoping the blog remodel will inspire me to spend more time here.

Trying to Breathe

I am trying like hell not to have a panic attack.  North Dakota is a rather unfriendly place and I don't want to leave my heart here.  He is so frightened and I am trying to be strong, but what the hell are we going to do?  Today was his first day at the new job and he came back to report that he would have to shave his beard.  This may not sound like a big deal, but it is SO a big deal!  We have been together for 6 years, and I have never once seen him without facial hair.  He is 31 years old and has had a beard all of his adult life.  He was so sad; he looks like a kid when he's clean shaven.  A kid I have to abandon on Thursday.  Before I met Jerry, I didn't know it was possible to love someone like I love him.  I had boyfriends that I knew I didn't love, but I thought that maybe it was just as close as I was ever going to get.  And then I met him. Just after I got accepted to nursing school in Miles City, I got a job as a cashier at a truck stop near my parents' house.  Jerry would come in every day after work. Jerry was a logger back then and it was love at first sight for me.  I didn't even know his name, but I knew I should ditch the loser boyfriend so I could be free to learn (in my defense the boyfriend was a real jerk, so don't judge me).  I met him and it didn't matter that I was moving 500 miles away in a few short weeks, that I had no idea how things were going to work out or how to make a relationship succeed in those kinds of circumstances.  It was head first for both of us.  Serious from the moment we made eye contact.  Among other things, I wish my children the kind of love that their father and I are blessed with.

And here we are.  With this huge distance about to swallow us up.  I don't know how we will make it work, but I know we have to.  It is so scary to have no idea what the future holds.  I am grateful we all made it here in one piece, but it is a fricking long drive from Western Montana to Dickinson, North Dakota.  Jerry left the day before the kiddo and I, since he would be driving slower pulling the camper the theory was that I would catch up with him about midway.  The truck had a small mechanical issue two hours in, which didn't prove to be terribly expensive, but was anxiety inducing since it was after 7 on a Sunday night and the town he was stranded in was small and didn't have any part stores open.  I finally tracked down a road side mechanic to bring Jerry the right tool for the job (Jerry can fix anything--it's having the right tools that trips him up) and he drove to the halfway point.  I was testing the boundaries of sleep deprivation as a result of having to work the early shift the previous two days and staying up late to get ready for the big trip.  I went to bed after midnight and was up at 0530 to head out.  Thirteen hours later, we arrived at our campsite (gorgeous view, showers, and private) to find that our cell phones did not get service.  I was told when I made the reservation that our cell phone provider worked "great" out there, and since the cell phone is Jerry and I's only means of communication when I head home on Thursday, this was a big problem.  Also, the camp was 58 miles out of Dickinson--a pretty hefty commute.  And a wifi connection was a distant dream.

So this morning the kiddo and I headed back into Dickinson to search the surrounding area again for an alternate campsite. I was reduced to unsuccessfully trying to "borrow" wifi from local businesses while idling in their parking lots and driving through outlying towns looking for campground signs.  The result:  Belfield, North Dakota, a mere 20 miles out of Dickinson.  Less privacy, no shower/toilet facility (it's being remodeled).  But also a shorter commute, cell phone service, and an internet connection.  Tomorrow I am off to a sporting goods store to purchase one of those outdoor shower bag and tent stall doohickys in the hopes that it will suffice for washing until the shower facility is finished and/or we find him an apartment.  Ugh.

North Dakota!

The days are passing in a sort of lazy, nonproductive fashion.  I am enjoying the opportunity to catch up on sleep and television.  Today is the sort of day that comes along every so often where I cannot stop wondering why my son did not survive.  Why my family?  Why my son?  Matthew was born at 27 weeks, a gestational age that is extremely premature but often has a survival rate of greater than 90%.  And here is my family, lodged in that 10% window.  Can't win the lottery, but with odds like that maybe I should be investing my paltry savings into lotto tickets.  He had made it through so much already, it is so baffling that he just slipped away one day. A rural hospital that was completely unprepared for him and I. A bumpy flight to a larger hospital.  Patent ductus arteriosus.  No brain bleeds at two weeks old.   Tolerating small feedings well.  No necrotizing entercolitis.  When I place myself back in that time, the most prominent emotion I feel is bewilderment.  Complete bewilderment.  I cannot describe how disorienting it is to feel as though you are still supposed to be pregnant.  No wait, you aren't pregnant, but your baby son is in the NICU and he is doing ok.  No wait, your son has suddenly died and you are sitting in your empty living room, the last place you are supposed to be, writing his obituary.  I didn't even know what low birth weight meant before I was staring at my firstborn child through the incubator port holes.  I didn't know that "low birth weight" comes with IVs and ventilators and hushed tones and breast pumps.  

The Man and I are about to embark on a huge change in our lives.  He has accepted a new job and I must stay put through next June to finish my nursing degree.  That means a 650 mile difference between us, with the kiddo and I staying put and the Man working long hours far away.  We are terrified.  It's a pretty drastic step to take for work and I don't want my last year of nursing school to get screwed up because I am all alone with a four year old and with no one to back me up.  My mother is a tenuous kind of support at best and I really don't have anyone else.  One week from today we will be headed east to get him settled.  I can stay for four days and then I have to be back to work some shifts at the assisted living facility.  It appears that I will have to quit my job by August.  I want to be back and forth as much as is possible for the rest of the summer so that we can be together, and once school starts back up I really won't be able to arrange the extra child care outside of school and daycare hours and I will need some weekends to be free so that I can meet up with the Man.

I am hopeful that all these big changes will result in positive changes for us in the long haul.  If the finances are in good order by next summer, we should be ready to buy a piece of land and a house by the time the kiddo and I join him in North Dakota.  Real estate prices are still pretty reasonable over there.  We should also be able to start trying to get pregnant sometime after December or perhaps March; a new baby will arrive not a moment too soon as far as I'm concerned.  As long as my nursing degree is complete we will be good to go.  Send your thoughts and prayers our way--we can use them right now!

Summer!

I survived finals.  Its summer!....what am I supposed to do now?  I finished Wednesday afternoon and I still feel jittery, like I am supposed to be doing something every time I lay down.  I even drove up to school Thursday to finish some last minute paperwork and repair a lampshade I made in my Stained Glass class last year (the dog and the 3 year old were not kind to it).  I don't really know what to do with myself.  Just hang around the house?  Work a bunch of hours?  Sleep the whole 3.5 months away?  The two pregnant girls in my class have both had their babies and get to spend the time with their new bundles of joy.  It still seems like everyone is having a baby these days and I am just dying for one.  My little girl is growing up so fast, and it feels like its been forever since I had a baby.

My mother is driving me crazy.  She does this super-adorable thing where she complains about you to every other member of the family except you.  I never know where I stand with her and it is so frustrating to hear that she is complaining about how much she has to help out with my daughter while I am in school.  I would like to clarify that she helps out occasionally at most, but the last few weeks of school with the Man working out of town I have needed her more than I probably have all year.  I parent my own child.  And I do not drink.  Or use drugs.  She is great with my daughter, it's me that she judges and criticizes.  I don't even like to ask her for help with my kiddo because I know I will pay for it emotionally from her.  I always feel like she thinks I don't appreciate the help she gives me. So hopefully now that it's summer it won't be an issue for awhile.

In the interest of utilizing my summer time to regroup, I have several projects lined up that I'm hoping will occupy me:

1.  The fallout from my parents' divorce three years ago left me with all the old family photos.  I need to scan them all into my computer and get everyone digital copies.

2.  The kiddo's scrapbooks don't even extend to her first birthday. It would be nice to catch up.

3.  The photos that are hanging on the walls are all outdated by several years.

4.  The walls in my house all need painted and I want my daughter's room redone.

5.  My guy needs to get his CDL.  I plan to help out by making study guides to enhance his learning--and drive him nuts.

6.  Its time I learned how to navigate a gym.  If all goes well, we want another baby next year as my graduation gets close.  I am thinking that by February or March it will be safe to get pregnant without interfering with my June 2012 graduation.  I want to be in the best shape of my life before we start trying this time.  That means the time to get in shape is now, my friends.

7.  All of my paperwork from this year needs to be organized and backed up so that my hard drives are cleared up for fall.  This could potentially take up a month of my summer.  Ugh.

8.  In the interest of not letting my brain rot and having a huge problem with school next fall I have a list of crap to teach myself over the summer:

• I want to know heart and lung sounds cold
• Heart rhythms--supposed to be learning them this fall, but it would be nice to know them already
• Pharmacology--I have some serious gaps that I need to fill in
• Pathophysiology--just trying not to forget anything

9.  And just for fun...I have some books in my shopping cart at Amazon on NICU nursing.  In the interest of my serious obsession with obtaining a NICU preceptorship next spring, I've been wanting to read up, but haven't had time during the school year.

This morning the kiddo and I were on a mission for donuts.  She chose a chocolate one with gummy worms.  Then we put together my old Barbie house and she jabbered to herself for awhile while I read on the couch.  Now we are watching Shrek 2 for the fiftieth time.  I really want to redo this blog...the look just isn't me right now.  Brainstorming some ideas.  The weather is still rainy...we've only had a couple of nice days so far this year, and I've been stuck in class or studying for all of them.  I can't wait for it to be nice again.  I am dying to go camping.

Stay Tuned...

I will be a more attentive blogger in approximately 5 days when finals are finished.  Things are looking okay so far.  I passed my final competency with no issues (my friend, however, will have to redo hers next week).  I have been starting IVs in the hospital with alacrity, but I never anticipated a problem since I did the phlebotomy thing for awile before nursing school.  I can do IV medications as well now.  I've had some awesome clinicals this quarter and am looking forward to rehashing them here soon.  I had a Pharmacology ATI test today that ranks you according to how well you do up against other nursing students in the country.  I didn't score as well as I wanted, but I made a Level 2 and I am only a Level 1 student, so at this point I'll take what I can get.  Finals Lineup:  Monday--Pathophysiology; Tuesday--Acute Nursing Care; Wednesday--Pharmacology; Wednesday night--swallow a potent apple martini and pass out for 14 hours straight.

Poor Neglected Little Blog

I wish I had time to post more often but I feel guilty devoting time to this blog that should be spent studying right now.  Let's see...The Man's job situation still sucks and so does his family.  His mother is all up in my shit every chance she gets.  Enough said for now.  After 6 years together, crap from his family is nothing new.  School is getting to that stressful time before finals when papers are due and textbook material must be learned 12 chapters at a time in order to be ready for finals.  I am not sleeping enough or finding enough time for my family at this point, and I can't wait for summer.  I crave summer.  I have 3 more weeks of class left.  I was hoping The Man would've found a better job by now--even though we are looking out of state at this point.  I have fantasies of living in a camper trailer for the summer somewhere far away from here.  I have it figured out so that the kiddo and I could stay home for a week while I work and then spend a week with him.  I am still hoping that will happen; I really don't want to spend my summer working full time and checking my kiddo into daycare everyday.  

All the good TV shows are wrapping up for the season and it's making me sad.  How am I going to make it to September with no new episodes of The Vampire Diaries?  Without school and television my life starts to feel like it's at a standstill after a couple of weeks.  But at the moment...I have a pediatric case study to write.